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Old MDesigner
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 03-04-04 , 07:45 PM


I'm having a serious problem here. My girlfriend is REALLY set on a 2ct e-ring. First she says it's because everyone around her has 2ct and will whisper about her if she gets something less. But then she claims she always wanted 2ct all her life.

Anyway.. all I can realistically afford is around 0.7-0.8ct or so. And that's using cash + credit card combined. It's literally everything I've got. If I went to Jared, they'd finance me and I could probably score a 1ct or MAYBE 1.2ct..but the quality would be total junk.

So..she's flipping out and is offering me money from her 401(k) to contribute in order to get a 2ct. Um.. is this normal? I'm kind of feeling sick from this whole thing, and the word "materialistic" keeps popping into my head. I need to think REALLY clearly about this before I make the big move.

I need some insight. I know what'll happen though. After this argument, she'll think about it and then say ohh it's ok, get me whatever you want, I'll love whatever you want. But then later down the road if I bring this topic up again, she starts ranting & raving how she has to have 2ct. I swear I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 03-04-04 , 08:00 PM


I think that you just need to take a few moments to breathe and calm down. I know that you want to surprise her on her birthday with the engagement; however, reason needs to set in, too. Don't rush into anything. It already sounds like she knows y'all are getting engaged, so why rush it? Take your time and find a stone that both of you will be happy with. Neither of you needs to go into major debt over an engagement. Besides, the taxes on cashing out a 401k will be astronomical (like over 30%!!).

If you can wait, then you can possibly save up more money in the next couple of months and get something even nicer. You know, a 1ct RB in a bezel setting looks A LOT bigger.

Congratulations on your impending engagement. It should be a blissful time not overwhelming.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 03-04-04 , 08:05 PM


Hummm, I'd say take a good look at the priorities here, there are problems. You're getting way past the real issues of love, marriage, committment, and honoring each other. Thank you Debeers.

Do not start off your life together in debt. I'm surprised that you've not been planning a "fund" all along since the two of you have been together so many years. Is there now an "ultimatum" in place? Please consider your reasons for finding a diamond so quickly under such circumstances without being prepared financially or emotionally. Pressure is not a good reason to marry. The two of you need to determine what is important now and down the road. If you do not live up to her demands now, and with this ring, will you ever?

A smaller diamond of excellent cut and clarity is always better than a larger less attractive diamond, plus later you can upgrade to the size she wishes you could afford now. It should be the gesture and symbolism for which the diamond stands and not the honking rock itself.

Another very good option is to buy a quality sim of the size she prefers and start a savings account for a quality diamond to relace it with in the future. With some good planning you can replace the sim in a couple years or so. Many people are doing this and should be praised for their financial savvy when they really are in no position to lay out a bunch of cash for something that cannot further their financial future.

Good luck to you.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 03-04-04 , 08:28 PM


Does your girlfriend like estate old-cut diamonds? If you look hard, you can find 2 carat diamonds for a good price, i.e. costing less than a new, modern cut diamond.

Old-cut diamonds have a lovely charm, especially when they're in their original, antique setting.

Honestly, I know where your girlfriend is coming from. Like her, I was dead-set on my "diamond terms." I wanted a (minimum) one carat solitaire. However, my husband could afford that. Also, I didn't want a wedding or honeymoon, so I didn't think my "diamond terms" were too much to ask for. In our cultures, he and his family would have had to pay for the wedding and honeymoon, too.

Good Luck!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 03-04-04 , 08:29 PM


I don't have time to make a long post, but wanted to say I agree with CNspotts. You don't want to start out your life in debt over a ring...and your priorities in the wrong place...take a breath, a step back, and talk about what all of this means...

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 03-04-04 , 08:32 PM


gosh I don't know what I would do if my girlfriend was THAT demanding about a diamond on an e-ring.

Is she as demanding in other aspects of your relationship?

Does she realize just how expensive a decent 2 ct diamond is going to cost????

edit: just read your other post and see that you got a ring already! Goodluck and I hope she says yes!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 03-04-04 , 08:45 PM


To answer your questions:

What's the rush? Dating 6 yrs.. she's 27. She wants to move forward with her life, and truthfully, so do I. But this 2ct requirement is really turning me off. Hey, trust me, if I had a TON of cash, I'd love to get her 2ct.. 3ct..whichever!

And why wasn't I saving all this time: i'm a fool. We've had a few breakups and some issues.. but STILL, I should've saved anyway--hey, if it didn't work out, I would've had savings money. It was stupid of me, and I regret it. Then again, I wouldn't have been able to save too much. I was unemployed last year, and I got paid a few thousand for a side job but consumed that quickly since I had no job..life was rough. And before that, I earned peanuts. I've not been lucky with money!

Anyway.. I already have a ton of debt.. have had for years. Another $5k or so won't hurt.

Oh and yes.. she is pretty demanding in other aspects. She is somewhat critical and has fairly high expectations in life, in general. This is great in general and especially at work... but.. not so good with personal relationships!

PS: A sim?? Can't do that!! She'd probably be pissed if I did that! People would ask about her ring and she couldn't honestly tell them it's even a diamond!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 03-04-04 , 08:51 PM


MD,

I edited my post after I read your post. We posted at the same time.

It seems that your girlfriend's expectations are too high.

I hope you can convince her to be happy with your engagement ring. Your ring sounds like it would be lovely!

I hope everything works out!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 03-04-04 , 08:52 PM


A two carat diamond is out of your price range right now. (And out of most people's price range EVER.) Tell her that if her friends whisper about her, she needs to find new friends. I would not go into serious debt to finance this, even if you could get the credit. And I would never take money out of her 401k to finance it.

Talk to her about the reality of your situation. Ask her if she'd rather get a sim ring, another type of stone, or no engagement ring at all...just a very pretty wedding band. You can both agree that you are going to save for her "dream ring."

If she really wants a diamond now, I'd suggest you go with SuperbCert or GOG or another online vendor that has a good trade-up policy. I'd get the biggest stone you can right now in a very simple, inexpensive setting and then upgrade when you can.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 03-04-04 , 08:53 PM


Does she really understand what a 2 carat diamond costs?

I know you wanted to surprise her, but maybe the two of you should go look at rings together so she can see how much what she wants actually costs and can see the difference between a nice diamond in a smaller size and a not so nice diamond in a larger size.

Maybe you should also rethink whether getting married is the right thing for the two of you right now. I'd have married my husband even if he presented me with a carbon filled eighth of a carat (I might not have worn the ring much, but I would have married him!).

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 03-04-04 , 08:55 PM


How about you get what YOU can afford and in 2 years you can upgrade to something DECENT in the 2 carat range? I couldn't imagine demand my husband a 2 carat diamond when he doesn't make a whole lot. Just my opinion here.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 03-04-04 , 08:59 PM


Does it have to be a round? Some shapes, oval, pear and marquise come to mind, can look a lot larger than a round of the same carat weight. Maybe in a different shape she could get the look she is going for without having to spend a fortune and then she could upgrade later when you can afford it.

Of course, I realize this isn't an option if she just wants to be able to tell her friends that she has a 2 carat diamond.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 03-04-04 , 09:04 PM


http://superbcert.com/Shop_By_Produ...cfm/P/567/N/1;1

Check out this diamond at SuperbCert. It's a J color, VS2 clarity and .91 points for $3285.10. You could have it put in their simple white or yellow gold setting for $220. That's $3505.10. I know that's $105.10 over your budget, but don't order pizza or eat out for a couple of weeks and you have it!

A super ideal cut J diamond will face up very white and at 6.3mms diameter, it will look as big as most 1 carat stones you see out there in the world. The sparkle alone will bowl over her "friends" who think you must have a 2 carat diamond.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 03-04-04 , 09:06 PM


I agree with the posters above who said, relax, take a deep breath and step back.

My husband and I lived together for 8 years before getting married and he always knew that unless we had the money for a BIG diamond that was also good Colour, Clarity and Cut, I didn't want one. I'll admit that I wanted an amazing diamond ring to show off so bad I could taste it, but I decided to go for a sim instead, and so I wore sims fo 12 years until last month when I finally bought a diamond. For 12 years I was content because I didn't have to feel guilty about putting us both in debt just so I could have a diamond, and now that I have the diamond I think I'm enjoying it more.

Does your girlfriend understand about your current financial obligations as the reason why you don't want to add any more? It seems to me from reading your other posts that your girlfriend feels like I did, either get the diamond she wants or none at all (you mentioned in another post that she would be happy to get married without a ring). However, if she really wants to spend some of her savings on it, I think that's ok too. Whatever makes both you and your girlfriend happy is all that matters. If she wants to buy her own ring....GO FOR IT! I don't believe that a man should ever feel obligated to buy a diamond anyway. Many people on DT will surely disagree with me, but Oh Well!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 03-04-04 , 09:52 PM


Oh my. OK- I can actually see both sides of the coin here. First, I think it's horrible that she makes you feel bad about what you can afford...When I got engaged (about 5 years ago)...I would have died for a two carat...but it wasn't possible...I asked him nicely as to what his budget was....I was very happy with it...e/t I sure as heck wasn't getting a 2 carat....when we went to pick out stones, I made sure to not make a big deal about the stones over his budget...I didn't want to make him feel bad. I'm sorry that's happening to you...On the other hand, I'm sure she is a lovely, wonderful gal...who just happens to be a bit materialistic over diamonds...we all have our hang ups! If this is her only hang-up, you're in good shape. It IS not a good idea to let her take the $ out....BUT...if she has it in her mind to do...just let her do it. I actually know a girl who HAD to have 2 carats, so she paid for it HERSELF! The key is to not let this ruin the point here...you're getting married!!! We have ALL made bad financial decisions in our life times....maybe that will be hers. I disagree with her...BUT, if she's going to be upset...she's going to be upset....How about getting a stone from a vendor who lets you upgrade with no minimum upgrade spending....OR, how about a nice sim for a while? ALso, does she HAVE to have a big wedding? I'd give back all the wedding $ in exchange for a stone....I consider my wedding (a wonderful event that I can't remember much of) a waste of $$$ !!! Well, there is my politically incorrect opinion...Unfortunately, I do understand being materialistic....to a certain degree...and definitely when it comes to diamonds!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#16 @ 03-04-04 , 09:54 PM


Lizbeth- did anyone ever question the sim? I think that's FANTASTIC that you did that...!!!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#17 @ 03-04-04 , 09:58 PM


MDesigner.....um...I just read your other posts....Not to be forward...but r u sure you want to get married? Having someone with goals is great...but having someone who makes you feel bad about yourself sucks. And as for you not saving $....If I had to ask the guy to marry me...and buy the ring...you'd be wearing the most AMAZING....2 carat....SIM money could buy!!! I'm not spending all that money on a diamond...are you crazy??? Men get the short end of the stick there...than again, you don't have to have babies!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#18 @ 03-04-04 , 10:01 PM


Hi luluhb, not that I can remember....I think most people are too polite to ask though, even if they are dying to!! Mind you, I have to admit there were a few snooty jewellery store clerks that may have asked and were calmly informed it was a 1.5ct H&A branded D VVS diamond


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#19 @ 03-04-04 , 10:05 PM


I love it Lizbeth!11

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#20 @ 03-04-04 , 10:40 PM


I would love a 2 carat also and we have the cash for it but my husband doesn't believe in bling bling MDesigner if your friends and her friends know your income status, they're going to think it's fake even if it's real. I first of all think her demands are proposterous and I can't believe she want's you to spend $20K plus and then the other debt. Does she know when you get married, it's marital debt too. Does she plan on working 3 jobs to help you pay for it?

If I were you, I'd get a diamond you can afford from a vendor that has an upgrade policy, if you want me to recommend a few PM me. Then I would open up a savings account to put money into for ring upgrade funds and work your way up. Edited to say that I hope she knows there are limitations..........I've learned in MY 27 years that money doesn't grow on trees.

PS..........I finally did get my gorgeous 2 carat. A nice H colored asha sim!!!

Last edited by marriahlyn : 03-04-04 at 10:41 PM.
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#21 @ 03-04-04 , 10:55 PM


I feel really badly for you that you are in this situation. From your posts, it sounds as though you yourself question this relationship based on her personality characteristics as well as past problems in the relationship (marriage does not make things better!). Everyone on DT knows that I'm totally into the large diamond. And if the guy could afford the 2 carat but wants to "skimp", then I'd be angry. However, if the guy doesn't have two pennies to rub together, yet is still leveraging himself to the hilt to get the best thing he can at this time, then that is such a different story. When she said that she would take out her own money, what was she thinking -- did she honestly think that her friends would think you could afford something like that, given your situation? I remember when a friend got engaged years ago to a window washer -- she had a 2+ carat oval with trilliants on each side in platinum -- it was quite obvious that a window washer's salary couldn't afford that, and that the bride's mother paid for it. Also, and more importantly, it doesn't sound like she is going to be happy with someone that can't always give her the equivalent of the "2 carat" in whatever category. For example, say you come up with a way to get her the 2 carat diamond, what about when it is time to buy a home, and she has to have the size of house and neighborhood that her friends have??? What about a new car, and all her friends are driving BMWs? I could go on, but you got the idea. Seems just from reading this thread that she just needs someone to make her a married woman, beginning with a proposal with a 2 carat diamond, and doesn't really have anything to do with you specifically. Back to the issue of me being totally into the big diamond: I finally got my 3.29 carat stone almost 13 years after my proposal, which was with a 1.01 carat stone -- what he was able to afford at the time without having to finance or put on a credit card. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings, but you seem like such a great guy and I think you are being taken advantage of.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#22 @ 03-04-04 , 11:07 PM


MDesigner,

Wow, when I first read your post, my first thought was to tell you to go running.

Seriously.

How the two of you live your life, making and spending money and WHY, will be a big enough of an issue with out the diamond being part of the equations. The diamond is just the beginning, yes?

She sounds like a person who will make you feel as if you are not doing enough. If you are not totally happy with things now, chances are, they will NOT get better. There were several GREAT posts with alternative ideas, I like the old cut, estate diamond idea... a sim... a 1ct RB in a bezel set... but will that really make her happy? I would almost say no. But what do I know?!

Do some serious thinking. Seriously.

I hope I am TOTALLY wrong here. Please, if I am, feel very, very free to disregard. What do I know other than the above posts?? But if I've struck a chord, in any way... do some thinking...

OK. I'll shut up now.

Best of wishes.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#23 @ 03-04-04 , 11:40 PM


I have what I believe to be the perfect solution. Allow her to be "in" on the purchase. That way she will see just what it is you can get with the money you have. If she throws a fit over the money you don't have, you will know it's time to quit and get your life together without her. I understand her point of view. I also had my heart set on a 2 carat - thanks to advertising. I have since realized the stupidity of it all - but then I am not 27. If she is allowed to be a part of this purchase, you will have all the answers to your questions. If you insist on surprising her..the surprise is going to be on you...

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#24 @ 03-05-04 , 12:25 AM


I agree with Kimberly. My minimum was 1 ct E/F color and excellent clarity and cut, because it would have broken my mother's heart if I had anything less than that. Being an unemployed recent graduate, my fiance had no money to pay for such a stone. He didn't even have enough money to buy a nice sim ring. Sure, if he had the money, I would have liked a beautiful diamond ring but it's just a ring. What mattered more to me was that I was getting married to him. I ended up buying a 1 ct Asscher Asha set on a beautiful pave setting. I paid for it myself and then my fiance paid me back when he came up with the money.

I think having your gf in on the e-ring purchase is a good idea.

By the way, I really love my Asha ring. it is beautiful and I don't think I will buy a real diamond for a while. I'd rather save up and buy a house, have savings, and go on nice vacations.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#25 @ 03-05-04 , 12:27 AM


MDesigner,

I don't have very much to add -- except my sympathies, and I say that sincerely.

Everyone has given you their take on this matter, though I think that if you re-read YOUR posts, you may easily find your way to the right answer for yourself.

The 2-carat diamond request (or demand, more like) is only a symptom of a much deeper source of discord, now and in the future.

I wish you clarity in resolving this matter and the best of luck.

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