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Old chelseabun2
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 01-26-04 , 03:40 PM


Hello everybody and congratulations on your engagements!! First of all let me introduce myself (I'm new) My partner and I have been happily together since I was 17 (six years ago) & have been engaged for 6months. When we first got engaged we planned a big wedding for Feb 05 -after we'd both finished study- but soon decided that was not 'us'. So, we decided to elope to the Fiji islands in Feb 05. I told my parents - whom I've always been close to - and mum became upset that she couldn't see her little girl get married, so we agreed to invite our parents. 3weeks ago, sitting at the lake, we thought "lets just do it!" and changed our minds again, to get married in our home town, by the lake, so we could share our special day with close family and friends (at our cost). The planned date was in 8weeks from then, excitedly I rang mum. She hung up on me! She didn't talk to me for the 1st week and now that she is she "can't get excited" - "dissapointed in me" - "not happy at all". Should I feel guilty or should she 'get over it'? At 1st she even refused to come, apparently we should have chosen our date after discussing it with her first. I can understand sort of why she's upset but surely theres no need to be this nasty.??

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 01-26-04 , 04:37 PM


Well your situation sounds more involved because at first your mum was upset that she would NOT be present. Then you decided to marry locally and have people present. So why is mum still so irritated?

You mentioned you were paying (and good for you) and you have been with the same person for six years, you obviously live together, make money to survive on and on your way to married life?
Something's missing for me to guess why she is upset.

Some guesses:

1) Didn't realize she was going to have a daughter marry so fast. Feels somewhat left out since you and your fiance have changed plans and not looking for their consent or input (or money).

2) Your mum has more superficial ideas about weddings and marriage and for appearances sake, can't stand that your wedding (while nice I'm sure) wont be an ultra-formal affair where she can show off.

The only other reason I can think of - which is a huge guess - your mum was more comfortable with a more private far-away wedding, so she can be wittness but not everyone will be, and the thought of guests and family locally observing your wedding bothers her. Is she happy with your choice of mate?

Bottom line: She will get over it. She has plenty of time to turn her attitude around. She will hopefully realize she is acting selfish to not share in your joy.

Congrats!

Last edited by Bella : 01-26-04 at 04:39 PM.
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 01-26-04 , 05:21 PM


Congratulations!

I think Bella hit on a few good points. In addition to her comments, my first thought was to ask if this kind of behavior from her is part of a long-standing pattern? - i.e. you do something that is not within her expectations, and she basically sulks and then you react by feeling guilt over it? Has this been a pattern in her relationship with her husband?...her siblings?...her parents?

I believe your mother ought to come out and plainly and directly tell you why she feels so maligned by your decision. It's as if she feels as though you are doing this TO HER. This is not about her, yet she seems to be making this about her. It is about YOU. This passive-aggressive stuff is destructive, disrespectful, and a consummate waste of time.

While I can understand from where a reaction such as hers can stem, it is NOT your responsibility to make her "feel better" (not that you could, anyway; people are responsible for their own feelings and actions, and to place the responsibility on someone else, in this case YOU, is the Impossible Dream. As Bella said, hopefully she'll get past it all, and back off on the histrionics.

I apologize for taking what appears to be a hard stance on this. Your situation and this behavior hits upon what may be my biggest pet peeve. I completely understand what is driving your mother, but the way she's acting out is, well....juvenile. There are ways she can express her disappointment that are appropriate. No one faulting her for her FEELINGS - feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just ARE -- but there are appropriate and constructive avenues in which to express and process them.

I hope that you and your fiance can present a united front, and set clear boundaries regarding what kind of behavior you will and will not accept, and then stick to those boundaries.

Congratulations again, and I wish you happiness and peace in this process.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 01-26-04 , 05:27 PM


Thanks for your reply Bella - I appreciate and need all the support/advice/input I can get at the moment.
I think you're right -she's upset that we didn't involve her in the descission making of setting the date- but why should we? I've tried and tried to have her involved with the plans but shes not interested. She's saying the most evil things.
It's not the 1800's and we're not traditionalists - neither is she. I just feel so guilty/angry/hurt.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 01-26-04 , 05:48 PM


I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. This should be a time when you are very very happy! You should not be bogged down by pettiness.

Your mother sounds self-involved. She doesn't seem to recognize that this is your WEDDING, and you and your fiance need to do it YOUR way.

Go forward with your plans and focus on the positive. Try to tune her out, knowing that you are doing the right thing for you. If she doesn't want to miss out on this, she's going to need to clean up her act soon.

Blessings to you!

Lucy

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