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Old caiti
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 01-06-04 , 04:10 AM


How long is it appropriate to be engaged before getting married? What is too long?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 01-06-04 , 04:27 AM


I am probably not the person to answer. I think I was "engaged" about 5 days. I think it takes about a year to plan a wedding. I would say if two years max has passed and there has been no wedding it might be time to re evaluate the situation. If no wedding planning was taking place within 6 months of the engagement I would also say it is time to re evaluate. That is unless you have gotten engaged but are waiting to get married until you graduate college or something like that which you both are aware of and have agreed to as a time table. Some of us are lucky and find our partners young. Some may need to postpone for various valid reasons such as health, family troubles, finances, job opportunities, graduation and so on.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 01-06-04 , 04:29 AM


Oh, welcome to DT. I just noticed it was your first post.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 01-06-04 , 03:22 PM


I agree with Beth.

I was engaged for 3 months.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 01-06-04 , 03:40 PM


Hey every one! Sory i know you probably don't know me, i'm still fairly new, but its so hard-i feel like everyone here is like an old friend, everyone is so nice!

i was just wondering how old you were beth when you met your man? i am recently engaged and am also young myself. my engagement will be a long one, although my FH is graduating this summer, i stil have a way to go yet seeing as im doing medicine and we want to wait until i have finished.

so in response to caiti, i agree with beth in that, it depends on the reasons for waiting and also how each of you feels about it. have you spoken to your fiance if you think you have been waiting too long?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 01-06-04 , 05:19 PM


Hey Ringlady! I was 21 when we met, 22 when we married and 23 when I gave him his first son! I guess by today's standards that is pretty young for just about everything. Hey - even younger is good I think. You get to grow together. Plus you have to get them while you are young and pretty hee hee, and get them while they are young too. All the good ones get gone too fast, or are too busy later on with other priorities like establishing a career and racing to the top of the dog pile to date and find a good match.

I accomplished my goals though. I had a degree from a prestigeous College before I married (I was a senior when we met. He was on secondment in Atlanta with an International Accounting Firm in the big 6. It was an introduction by a mutual friend I had known all my life who thought we were a match. I did not like him at first but he made firm friends with my father and then all hope was lost.) and I continued afterwards to obtain another degree and so on. It is a crazy crazy story...book material really. I am glad that things are nice and boring now.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 01-06-04 , 06:18 PM


I agree with Beth. It's probably my mother talking, but long engagements are a real pet peeve of mind. You hear of it all the time in college "Oh! Boyfriend just proposed to me!!" 'Really? Congratulations, when are you getting married?' "Oh, we're getting married in 2010, after I finish college, gradschool, and then med/law/X school." One of my best friends just told me the other night about two mutual friends planning this same idea. One lives with her boyfriend and the other doesn't but is going to. It just seems really silly and a bit immature to me. You want to reap the benefits (status or otherwise) of being engaged but you have no real wedding date in mind, no set goal or timeline for the future. You have so much time between the present and this unknown date that the likelihood that you'll break up before ever marrying seems more probable.

Anyway, I can understand certain exceptions but this notion seems to be a trend in current society. I think a normal engagement should last around 1.5 - 2 years max - it shows you have marriage in mind and are planning for it, not floating around waiting for that unspecified time to happen.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 01-06-04 , 08:09 PM


Thanks for your advice. My boyfriend and I aren't engaged yet, but things are moving in that direction and we have been talking a lot about marriage. He thinks an engagement should be 3-6 months and that over a year means youre not sure if you want to get married. I want to wait a year and a half, in part because I want to have time to plan a great wedding and also because I want to finish school first. My parents help me a lot with tuition and I'm afraid that they would stop helping me if I got married first.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 01-07-04 , 10:31 AM


Thanks for your reply beth - your right it does make a very sweet story!

Caiti I can totally understand your reasons for wanting to wait a little longer, i think that a year and a half is perfectly acceptable and i reckon there are quite a lot of people out there who do the same. best of luck though!

Also, in response to synicgrrl, i can see your point of view as well and would agree that if couple are just becoming engaged just for the 'status,' with no clear intention of marriage then the seriousness of it could be questioned. However i don't feel that it always has to be true. in my case, both of our intentions are completely serious and it's more a case of just feeling that the 'society around us (parents etc!)' wouldnt approve of such a young marriage. (i am 19, he is 21.) We're officially moving in together this summer, but that has only been delayed because of my parents have been supporting me previously at school with me living in with them. Leaving that extra bit of time will also allow us to save up a bit more money for the wedding. at the moment, moving in together is more important and obviously is taking up rather a lot of capital!
No hard feelings!-just felt i should justify my case...

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 01-07-04 , 01:53 PM


I broke an engagement of 5 years.
Had the dress and all the plans were made. When it came down to it, it just didn't feel right to me. So, I called it off. I was crushed at the time because I didn't know if I was doing the right thing or I just had cold feet.
Then, not even a year later I met Jim.
Our first date was June 29.
Jim asked me to marry him two weeks later! I said, "you don't even know me?" He said he knew I was his soul mate.
We married Nov. 30, just 5 months later. This year will be our 20th anniversary! Just goes to show, you never know. Marriage takes alot of work and commitment. I think looking back on it, the most important thing is communication. Don't leave the first time you hit a bump in the road.
If you never had bumps in the road, how would you learn to appreciate the smooth part!
Good luck

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 01-07-04 , 02:15 PM


Pip,

I didn't mean that directed or you or anyone in particular. I am 21 and my boyfriend will be 25 in April. We have been officially "together" since Decemeber of 2000 and are going to move in together as soon as he gets in to graduate school and we can afford it. I would never move in with someone I didn't intend to marry but at this point in our lives we are too young to do that. I suppose I could be called a hypocrite because if I'm "too young" to marry I'm also "too young" to live with him, but I don't feel that way. Financially speaking, we're not ready for marriage and I want a "real" wedding we couldn't realistically afford at this point. Nothing huge, but a nice ceremony, dress, all that stuff. I have a friend that married a few months after she turned 21 through a courthouse (she moved there for him to Vegas so she could have gone that other route too) and she really regrets not having a more traditional wedding with a ceremony with friends and family.

Anyway, I know where you are coming from. Personally, I think it's a good idea to live together first. Many marriages nowadays are very short and I think it's a good idea to have a sort of trial-run through if you can and take it seriously.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 01-07-04 , 04:28 PM


A standard answer: The younger you are the longer you should wait.
And there are too many reasons to go into why. I think most people understand why, and that it is based on so many factors.

Only you know what is in your heart, why you are really engaged. Whether its because you really love the guy and want to spend forever with him, you really love wearing a ring, you want to have a marriage before a sexual relationship or living together, you want to have babies? Too many scenerio's.

And then without all that . . there's money.

Most people who ARE paying for their own wedding don't ask this question. They already know how long it will take them to do something they have their hearts set on. Parents usually help speed that up.

I was engaged 11 months. But had a few years invested, money in the bank, a house and paid for it ourselves. IT ALL DEPENDS.

Good luck.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 01-08-04 , 11:28 AM


You all have great stories, and LoveGems2, that is simialar to my story...

I just got engaged Nov. 14 03, and our wedding isn't till June 05, for one reason, and one reason only: We are paying for all of it ourselves! So we need time to save the $$ for it, its probably going to cost us about $30K...

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length of my engagement:
Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 01-14-04 , 03:31 AM


so far has been 5 days, but i plan to wait for another 2 years (feb 2006) to get married. there are a few reasons for that:

1. my fiance doesn't finish uni until june 2004.
2. i have braces and they probably won't come off til june 2005.
3. i live in australia and i would like a warm climate for a wedding, so feb seems like a good month, and it would be the first feb since my braces came off.

i met my man when we were both 17, been together for just over 5 years, now i'm 23 in april, he's 23. we have grown together but not lived together due to lack of full time work. when we get married i would have been working for 4 years, we would be for 18 months. not sure when we will be moving in together yet, maybe a year.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 01-14-04 , 07:52 AM


I met my husband in December and we married in August. I had just turned 20 and he had just turned 23. We'll be maried 30 years in August. If I had to do it again, I would still marry my husband, but I would have had a longer engagement. I just felt that everything was rushed because I was in school in another state and it was hard pulling everything together.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#16 @ 01-26-04 , 03:59 PM


I've recently become engaged, and the first question seems to always be, "so have you set a date yet?" *sighs*

We've managed to narrow it down to March or April of 2005, so the engagement will be around fifteen months. I think it's an appropriate amount of time, and it gives us time to do some planning. Personally, I'd just as soon go to Vegas, but we're planning for something very simple (and cheap!) because our friends would kill us if they couldn't be there!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#17 @ 03-09-04 , 05:47 AM


Caiti,

I agree with a lot of the replies you have already gotten. I have been engaged since Oct 03 and we are getting married Sept of this year, about 11 months. This is the perfect length for us. I am planning an out of state wedding and we are paying for everything. Luckily we both have decent jobs and money already saved. The reasons for us were some that others have already expressed..money and careers, but getting married and starting our lives together is too important to us to wait too long. Life is short and we want to spend whatever time we have left together. Making the decision that is right for the two of you should be your ultimate goal. What others think is secondary.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#18 @ 07-06-04 , 09:07 PM


I know of a few friends that were married in 6-12 and some married 12-18 and one who waited nearly 3 years becauase all the locations she wanted were booked that far in advance. It was worth it, her wedding was GORGEOUS.

We are going to actually sit down with my folks on Friday and set an official date. WE have to get to it. Im gettin antsy.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#19 @ 09-09-04 , 07:43 AM


Hi

I have been engaged for three months now and daily I am asked "so have you set a date?" I feel really bad when I tell these people that it's the last thing on my mind!! I get some very strange looks and the classic comment is " oh well you have those big rocks now that's all that matters.

I get the feeling people think Im shallow and just wanted the ring, yes I was obessed with it but that's because to us it was alot of money and I knew the ring would be with me for the rest of my life and just like my partner I dont plan on getting another one!

I guess when we do get married the question will be "When are you having kids"

I have the feeling I will never win!!

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