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Old medusa980

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 11-30-03 , 01:40 PM


I just wondered if this was normal. My best friend that I met in college is acting weird now that I have met my husband to be. I don't know how to explain how she acts jealous, but she has snide remarks and such. I thought she was going to die when I told her how much my ring was going to cost....has anyone experienced this? My mother always told me that people get weird when you get married....is this true?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 11-30-03 , 02:49 PM


Yeah, I can see it being true. Your marriage is changing the dynamic of the friendship. You're moving to the 'next level', and she's not.

I think factors that would affect the degree to which the friendship is affected would depend on a few things. One would be age, and another would be whether you're going to be the first (or amonng the first) of your social circle to get married. This same shake-up of the social dynamic will change again with the arrival of children.

Thee point is, your focus is changing. You're now going to be taking your husband and his feelings into account before making any big decisions, when previously you had the ability to be a little more freewheeling with your time and your plans.

It'll be a little wobbly at first, but your friend has to realize that while you have indeed moved on, and it may be the end of the way things were, but that's not necessarily a bad thing...it's just an "is".

Hope it all works out for you.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 11-30-03 , 04:09 PM


It's normal I suppose for girls to get jealous, but that is pretty immature. My girlfriends were all supportive happy for eachother as far as I know though. Yogi is right.


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You're right...
Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 11-30-03 , 05:25 PM


That makes sense. I'm 23, and will be the 1st in my group to get married. Besides that, my many of my girlfriends seem to be drawn to dead end relationships....thanks for the advice.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 11-30-03 , 06:08 PM


My best friend was crazy when I met my husband. He had never been in a serious relationship before and she kept saying that he had issues. Nope, he just worked too hard to get himself through school.

She also kept trying to get me to dump him. She wasn't very supportive at first, but she's a jewel about him now. I think she just got scared.

We went through some hard times, and stopped talking to each other for a while, but we've worked through it and love each other dearly and call each other family now.

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This same thing happened to me
Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 11-30-03 , 08:52 PM


I was literally ridiculed for leaving the "sisterhood" when I met my husband. Unfortunantly for them, the girlfriends that gave me such a hard time are no longer part of my life anymore. I made a decision to leave some toxic relationships and haven't been happier in years. You will figure out who are your true friends when you make major life changes (Most of mine ended up being men - but that isn't strange as I've always gotten along better with men). Yogi is right about the age factor - I was the first to "go" among my friends - I met my husband my senior year in college. Good luck - and congrats.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 11-30-03 , 09:54 PM


It's very normal and expected. Whenever someone changes the dynamics of a relationship there are bound to be mixed feelings. Some women just hide it better than others. Hang in there, she'll eventually come around. ~song

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 11-30-03 , 10:11 PM


Yep, welcome to the brave new world!
Of married old farts!

No matter how young you are you are now an old fart!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 11-30-03 , 11:28 PM


WEll, when you are REAL GOOD friends, you help each other through GREAT times and SAD times. You are entering a new happy and adventurous time in your life... Now all you can do is to see who will follow through...


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 12-01-03 , 12:44 AM


I've noticed something...
Before, it used to be that guys were afraid of commitment. Nowadays, all the guys want to get hitched while the girls are saying no way, it's too soon. I know 1 couple who is married at age 25, and it's only because of religious reasons.

Perhaps your friend is behaving this way because she's worried about you getting settled down too soon but doesn't know how to express herself.

I know that if my best friend were to announce her engagement right now, I'd think she was throwing her life away. Am I jealous? No of course not, but I do think that the guy she's seeing is a whiny little b!tch who complains about anything/everything... and he seems to think (and has told me so himself) that I might replace him if he doesn't marry her soon and lock her away forever. (wtf?!? i think he needs therapy... i dont even like girls!). And if she ends up marrying this guy, I refuse to be a part of her wedding. However, if I tell her about my concerns, she'll probably accuse me of being jealous. So I keep my mouth shut, but occasionally, bad things do slip out when he comes up.

Point is, she's probably just worried about you and doesn't know how to bring it up. The best thing to do is talk to her... then you'll know why she's behaving the way she is. And if she's truly jealous and doen't change her ways, then maybe it's time to end it.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 12-01-03 , 12:52 AM


Oh, and I read about this in a magazine...

They said that when people get engaged, they sometimes get so wrapped up in themselves that they neglect their friends and family without realizing it... perhaps she feels left out of your life?


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Hmm...
Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 12-04-03 , 01:56 PM


Well, I never neglect my friends and family. I can't stand those people that are attatched at the hip. My friend and I met in college. We would go out every night of the week. Now things are different. We graduated and have jobs. I don't really want to go bar hopping every weekend because I don't want nor need to anymore. Besides this, my friend decided to move out and now she never has money----I don't like going out with her that much because I always have to pick up her tab. As for my man, I know he's not a jerk, because if he was, I know she wouldn't hold back telling me. I know everyone says this about their significant other, but I'm truly blessed to have met him. And actually, when I am with my friends, I rarely talk about him....what's there to really say when everything is fine? Oh well,,,,girls can get really weird sometimes.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 12-04-03 , 05:59 PM


Pookie nailed it. Welcome to the world of old farts!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 12-04-03 , 06:05 PM


hmm... it sounds like she's just jealous then.. nothin you can do about that. i'm sorry you have to go thru this... it must hurt.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 12-04-03 , 08:39 PM


medusa980,

I'm afraid Yogi hit it on the nose. It's really tough to maintain relationships with folks that are not "moving on" in life. It takes a lot of effort to hold on to friends from the past. I've got a few friends from way back when... and I wouldn't give them up for the world. Some how we have remained friends even though we are at totally different places. I think that's because we DON'T get jealous with each other and we make the effort to stay friends.

It's always sad to let go of friends. However, sorry to say, a true friend would not make you feel this bad. The snide remarks don't sound like they are from a true friend. Also, the cost of the ring, that will bring out jealousy. I would only talk about stuff like that with a true friend, which this person, does not sound like they are.

I hope I'm wrong and these are just bumpy times for you two. Friendship is SO important. I hate to hear of one ending.

Good luck.


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Thanks All
Quote this post and reply to it Post#16 @ 12-04-03 , 09:35 PM


Thank you for your encouraging responses. All of you had interesting points of view, making me feel better, regardless of what happens.

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a little story to add
Quote this post and reply to it Post#17 @ 12-05-03 , 03:38 PM


My best friend and I have been friends since high school. We are both only children, so we relied on each other and considered each other as sisters. We both went on to college and remained best friends. After graduating from college, she got married and our friendship dynamic changed totally. She no longer needed me to be there for her, to listen to her, and to comfort her. She no longer needed me to go shopping with her. But we still remained the best friends. Our life circumstances drifted apart. I continued on with graduate school and law school, while she got married and gave birth to 2 children.

I'm still a poor student who is trying to figure out what to do with her life. She is a rich married lady with 2 kids whose hobby is to collect diamonds as big as a "shark's eye" as she says.

When we talked on the phone, we used to talk about our little things in life but now she mostly talks about what kind of diamonds she got from her husband. At first, I felt a little something weird when she kept telling me she got 20k diamond from her husband, etc. I don't think it was jealousy but maybe it was envy. But I soon realized that I was truly happy for her because I wanted her to be happy and a happy friend makes me happy. I also know that she has no intention of hurting me.

It does make me uncomfortable to hear her talk about diamonds when I am worrying about whether I'll be able to save enough to buy myself a nice interview suit. But, I never express it to her and the discomfort doesn't last for long, because I know she needs me to be there to talk about her new found interests and I'm happy to be able to serve as a good friend.

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AWWW
Quote this post and reply to it Post#18 @ 12-05-03 , 04:03 PM


Little dumpling - I wish you were my best friend! To make your day brighter think of this: those of us that have tasted sour fruit know a sweet nectar. When you make it in the world, it will mean so much more to you than just marrying money. It's great that you don't have jealousy. My best friend and I both went to college to be teachers. We are both on the same wavelength in life so to speak...and I'm not sure if I'd brag over expensive diamonds....I love my asha!

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heh
Quote this post and reply to it Post#19 @ 12-05-03 , 09:58 PM


embarrassed.
Thank you for your warm wishes. As long as I don't trip at interviews, I think I will have a job. Darn it! Why do us women have to wear heels. . . they are so uncomfortable and they make me walk all wabbly. (I've been wearing them at home to practice. )

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#20 @ 12-06-03 , 12:05 AM


Wear suit with pants and dressy boots! that's what I do, and it's soooo comfortable!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#21 @ 12-06-03 , 11:33 AM


littledumpling !!!

Don't wear heels to an interview if you don't normally wear them. There are some nice dressy flats out there, or even LOW heels. I'd go with those. BE COMFORTABLE in your clothing during the interview. You will have plenty of other things to make your nervous and uncomfortable during an interview, don't let your clothes be among them.

Seriously. Skip the high heels...


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#22 @ 12-06-03 , 11:39 AM


ps I read in an interview book, also not to wear perfume. You are looking for a job, not a date. I guess you could say the same for the heels!! he he he....


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woo thank you
Quote this post and reply to it Post#23 @ 12-06-03 , 01:59 PM


hehe. no perfume! oh good, because i don't have any.

I have this "low heel" but they are still uncomfortable. I guess i just need to wear them enough to break them in.

I wish I could wear pant suit but i hear it's frowned upon.

Thank you everyone!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#24 @ 12-06-03 , 02:12 PM


Good luck with your interview littledumpling. I just went though a series myself and landed a great job!

Boy it sounds like I broke all the rules too! I wore a dark gray pant suit with matching jacket and periwinkle blue silkly blouse underneath. I also wore a hint of lavander vanilla body essence (very subtle) and of course heels, but I live in heels. I am 5'2" and it is the only way I can wear pants half the time without the bottoms getting stepped on or dragging on the ground. Maybe if I learn how to sew....but also, I'm so used to heels, it feels weird walking in flats. I think the key though is moderation. Be very presentable. Well groomed and put together, minimal perfume, if at all, I never wear a lot, but also never realized how sensitive some can be to certain scents until some recent DT posts, and of course minimum makeup.

Anyways, just my 2 cents. Good luck!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#25 @ 12-10-03 , 05:39 PM


I am also a law student, and I wore pants to several law firm interviews and it never got a raised eyebrow (and this is in ultra-conservative "good old boy" Texas, mind you, with some ultra-conservative law firms where all the male attys. like to shoot the local wildlife in their spare time). In fact, a lot of girls at my law school wore them with no bad results. Even the career services office at my law school has given in to the idea that pantsuits can be appropriate for women in interviews. Just FYI -- I'd wear whatever makes you the most comfortable -- there's absolutely nothing worse than feeling the need to constantly adjust one's clothes in an interview!
Good Luck!

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