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Old PeridotGirl
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 06-08-03 , 01:58 PM


Hi, DT'ers. Haven't been around much lately. I'll try to be brief. My fiance and I have been together for nearly a year and a half. He gave me a ring and proposed in December and I moved in with him in March. The problem is, he now REFUSES to discuss a wedding date. I'm thinking he bought me a ring to induce me to move in with him (knowing that I wouldn't do it without being engaged). So now he's gotten what he really wanted and I've sold my home and am living with a man when I had no intention to do so without a ring and a wedding date.

We are not kids. I am 50 and he is 56. I have no children; he has three. We have both been married before.

There is a lot more I could go into, but suffice it to say that I am becoming very disenchanted with my fiance for pulling this "bait and switch." I wouldn't be upset with him if he simply admitted he was scared, wanted some time, etc. But he won't even talk about it with me! He either ignores my feelings or ridicules them.

I already know the answer to my dilemma, and that is to give the ring back and move out. I guess I just needed some support. Has anyone ever heard of a guy giving a girl a beautiful ring but then not coming through with the commitment the ring is supposed to symbolize? I think we woman think once we have the ring, we are home free. Was I ever wrong!

PeridotGirl

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 06-08-03 , 02:09 PM


PeridotGirl,

I am so sorry to hear of the heartache situation you are in. What really bothers me is that he is being insensitive to you by not talking to you about what is really going on in his head. There is no excuse for him to be ridiculing you (no one deserves that). You sound like a very wise woman to be aware that he is doing the "bait and switch" on you. You deserve to be with who someone who will be a true partner in life by honoring your thoughts and feelings and being open about theirs. I wish you courage and wisdom in whatever you decide to do.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 06-08-03 , 02:21 PM


PeridotGirl,
I am sorry to hear that. THat is not fair for him to entice you with a ring and the evident promise of a marriage w/o much follow through.
If I was in your situation ( and I do things strangely... ) I would take the ring off and not wear it. Why? B/c if you wear a ring and there is no real promise behind it, what's the point? I can detach myself REALLY easily from material things, even a 5 carat D-FL ering.
If he asks, why you are not wearing your ring, then you can tell him the truth. Tell him that he is disapointing you in his manners: you feel that wearing the ring is not justified b/c his actions are not corresponding with his promise and to wear the ring would be false.
Just tell him w/o making a fuss that you'll wear the ring again when the wedding date has been set.

I would keep all my options open. You are a respectable lady that deserve a loving and caring man that will honor and cherish your beautiful person for the rest of your life. If he doesn't even fullfill this and you are unhappy and have doubts, you need to figure out plan B. Good luck and keep us posted.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 06-08-03 , 03:30 PM


First I would like to say that I am sorry to hear you're having difficulties.

Forgive me for being so direct, but using ridicule to silence someone is abusive.

It does, however, sound like you already know the answer to your problem. If you do decide to stay, perhaps couples counselling would help. If he won't go with you, go alone.

I do wish you all the best. ~song

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 06-08-03 , 03:35 PM


I'm sorry to hear about your problem, PeridotGirl. You do seem to know the answer, but I know from experience that knowing what you have to do and doing it are two different things. You will get through it though, and hopefully as soon as you do, you'll find someone who is serious about a commitment.

Good luck to you!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 06-08-03 , 04:48 PM


PeridotGirl,I'm sorry to hear of your situation.I agree with Song,ridicule is a form of abuse. If he treats you like this now you shouldn't expect much better in the future from this man.This gives me the impression he's looking for a maid and someone to share his household expenses and to kiss his selfish self-centered butt.Hold tightly to your money,you may need it for a quick getaway.This a very old ploy on a mans part,they tend to tell a woman what they want to hear.The bad thing is woman tend to fall for it.There's alot of truth to the saying hindsight is 20/20 .Hope you'll be able to resolve this problem and sooner than later.KK

Last edited by KITTYKITTY : 06-08-03 at 04:51 PM.
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 06-08-03 , 10:09 PM


Thanks so much for the responses. My situation is very frustrating but it's not impossible. I am weighing my options carefully and will decide what to do very soon. Someone suggested couples counselling, which he, of course, rejected when I mentioned the idea to him a couple of weeks ago. (Yet another red flag).

I have a great job and money in the bank so finances aren't an issue. He is out of town visiting his children and I spent the afternoon looking at real estate. So I am about 90% sure that I will be leaving. It's sad but I've always been a very strong person and I loved my life as a single woman. I have lots of friends and interests and talents and will be fine, as soon as I can get this behind me.

Thanks again.



This too shall pass.

PeridotGirl

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 06-09-03 , 08:24 AM


That's a great attitude, Peridotgirl. It will take you far. You will be much happier when you don't have someone ridiculing or ignoring you. You know you deserve more! You already know you can be perfectly happy on your own, and those who are content with themselves attract people by their confidence.

It will be a rough patch for a bit, while you transition, but life will really get better. You'll wonder why it took you so long to leave once you've done it. You're very fortunate that you have the finances and independent spirit to make it go smoothly.

Best wishes.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 06-09-03 , 08:59 AM


Peridotgirl,

First of all, I am VERY sorry for what you are going through! How incredibly disappointing. I have to say when I started to read your thread it sounded like something a "22 year old" would pull!! Definately not the way a mature man should act, is it?

I think you are making the RIGHT decision. Both the reluctance to set a date, AND especially denying any counseling are huge red flags.

If he was serious and really wanted to make the relationship work he would agree to counseling in a heartbeat.

I've had many friends with hubby's who would not go to counseling, and they all ended in a separation- which was always good!

Best of wishes to you!!!! Hang in there, and feel free to vent here!!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 06-09-03 , 09:24 AM


Peridotgirl, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Good luck in whatever the out come.

PS. Keep that ring it was a gift hehe or send it my way!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 06-09-03 , 09:45 AM


You are right, it is time to go. I am so sorry this has happened. How difficult this must be after you have sold your home to be with him. If he has broken the engagement I don't think you are obliged to return the ring. Maybe you could sell it to cover moving expenses if you need to. Just a thought. This situation will be a difficult and process to get through and you have my support.

Sincerely,
Beth


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 06-09-03 , 11:05 AM


Boy, he sounds a lot like my ex-husband, quite frankly...

I am sorry that you had to meet someone who was a stinker like that. After I was granted my divorce, I looked back at what my time with the ex had taught me. Several invaluable lessons that I otherwise might never have learned, and I now have a beautiful child... and even a new husband, whom I met through the Ex.

Things like this happen for a reason, but sometimes it's just hard to see why until things start to unfold in the future.

You've definately got my sympathy. I can relate, even though I'm 23. (And my ex is 33).

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 06-09-03 , 12:10 PM


Wow...you've been through so much. Best wishes as you start a new life for yourself and good luck house hunting.

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Peridot...
Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 06-09-03 , 02:08 PM


Very sorry for what must be a disappointing situation. You sound like a capable and confident person. Follow your inner guidance...be your own best friend in this situation.
I hope everything works out OK for you.

mars


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 06-10-03 , 09:27 PM


Thanks again to everyone who took the time to post. It feels so strange to be in this situation; usually I am the one guiding my girlfriends through situations like this, giving them advice and playing counsellor. It is certainly easier to be objective looking at a relationship from an outsider's perspective.

I will confess that there is still a little part of me that wants him to magically change, but I know this is not going to happen. I am really not certain that I even love him anymore. I think I am healthy enough to reject things that I know are bad for me but it's hard to let go of a dream.

I will let everyone know what happens. I certainly appreciate the support.

PeridotGirl

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#16 @ 06-10-03 , 10:37 PM


Not actually being there is hard. But look at how you are currently being treated or aren't. Do you want this for your future? Is this in or out of character for him? Really look at that does he treat others this way?

Is this something you want to deal with or not?

I for one have already ditched a husband for being a selfish jerk who cared more for himself than others. I only wish I hadn't wasted 7 yrs back then. Ya know?

BTW, no one is perfect, but you know what you are being treated like, and we don't.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#17 @ 06-10-03 , 11:33 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by PeridotGirl
I am really not certain that I even love him anymore. I think I am healthy enough to reject things that I know are bad for me but it's hard to let go of a dream.


PeridotGirl


I totally understand this statement and you've put it into words well. I feel for you and wish you much peace with the decision you make.


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