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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 12-17-02 , 04:34 PM


ACK!!! I think I am going to pull my hair out. My future MIL is driving me freaking nuts. Does it ever end???
-Tami

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 12-17-02 , 05:26 PM


Tami, I don't know. It hasn't ended in four years for me.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 12-17-02 , 05:38 PM


I don't think it ends... But it does change (at least it did for me). After a certain point you may realize, ok this is how this person is and this is how they interact with the world. Their quirks are THEIR quirks, they have nothing to (really) do with me. Once you get to that point it becomes easier to let things roll off of you. Of course when you are under stress sometimes it becomes difficult to maintain this mindset.



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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 12-17-02 , 06:08 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by Hruska
I don't think it ends... But it does change (at least it did for me). After a certain point you may realize, ok this is how this person is and this is how they interact with the world. Their quirks are THEIR quirks, they have nothing to (really) do with me. Once you get to that point it becomes easier to let things roll off of you. Of course when you are under stress sometimes it becomes difficult to maintain this mindset.



Very mature mindset in this response.

One thing to add, what exactly is bugging you? If its just little things like she wants pink napkins, roll it off as stated in the above sage advice. But, advice from an old married broad, if this goes deeper -like controlling your FH - it needs to be dealt with now.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 12-17-02 , 06:31 PM


The problems may not be as big as some people deal with, but she is the kind of person that says one thing to me in a certain way and then when I mention it to FH, and he says something to her, she acts like she NEVER said whatever she did to me. For example, we have been engaged for almost a year, and our wedding is in July. We weren't counting on any money from his family because every time something was mentioned and the cost of adding stuff she wanted was talked about she didn't care if I had to work three jobs to pay for it. Anyhow, we knew that they were not going to contribute. My FH lives in Ohio and I'm obviously in Texas. He is moving here and we are getting married in Texas. To be fair to his family and friends that couldn't travel we were going to throw an after wedding party there and show the wedding video so that they could be a part of it. Today I was talking to his mom and ALL of a sudden they are paying for things. *rollin eyes* I know that is a load of crap. Anyhow, she was reading etiquette rules and went on and on about how we NEVER tell her what goes on, total lie, we have since day one. How she is upset that we aren't having "booze", how she was "going to throw us a party,but since FH is living in Texas a few months before the wedding, it isn't appropriate anymore", speaking of the party we were planning. She went on and on and on about all of that. It is minor compared to other things she has said, but I'm fed up. She informed me that she spent all the money she had put aside for my Christmas present on my FH's last item on his list, leaving me NOTHING to get for him that he wanted. I don't care if they get me a gift, but it was quite rude to tell me that, I think. She NEVER buys him a big Christmas, but bought EVERYTHING on his list this year plus other things. I'm just irritated at her actions in the last few days. She acts like a victim, no matter how nice I am to her when she is a total punk to me. Before she ever met me she asked me all kinds of personal questions about birth control and things that were NONE of her business and informed her son of how she was uncomfortable with us dating since I wasn't on birth control, with NO FREAKING CLUE about that part of our lives. It is the little things that drive me crazy. She hasn't been the least bit nice about anything wedding related. All of my ideas are "different, and they don't do things that way" and she wants things that are out of our budget and expects me to pull this money off the tree in my backyard. Whatever! She harped on my about my education and attacked all she could about why I had to go to graduate school and why that was important and yadda yadda yadda. The list goes on about stupid miniscule things that drive a person crazy. I don't even pick battles about it anymore. At least my FH stands up for me when she says nasty things about me, but now that she denies that she has said things and continues to be rude to me about different things, I don't bother. She makes me out to be a liar, which I am not. I'm just frustrated with her. We were planning our honeymoon around this after wedding party that she no longer thinks is appropriate to have and just UGH! Since when has she become etiquette police and feel that she has the right to critcize everything we are doing? I am so lost as to how to handle this woman anymore. I wish I could say it was just how she is to everyone, but I know better. I have seen her in action with others and away from others, and I know that this is something directed at me. I think she would like me more if I were some girl from Ohio that wouldn't challenge anything she said to me about me or her son. Like I said, I'm just stressed and she adds to it. I'm worried about money for my wedding, licensing exams, grad school, and all that ensues for that including my regular bills. I will have about three jobs to pay for everything and I'm really not in the mood to deal with someone that is just being hateful to me. I'm venting here because I don't pick battles with her anymore. It is not worth my sanity to prove things otherwise ya know? I do appreciate y'all listening though. Just wish I could have a FMIL that wasn't such a punk to me. Thanks again.
-T.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 12-17-02 , 06:58 PM


Oh my. In a nutshell, "A daughter is a daughter all her life. A son is a son until he finds a wife". She is really feeling this. Yes, she would love for you to be a nice Ohio wife who will stay in the same town and be close & she can see her grandkids (which you had by divine intervention). Her life wouldn't change. And, at the end of the day, even this is not going to make her happy. She is loosing her son. She is directing her frustration & subsequent anger at you. You can not please her.

The most important thing is *NOT* how she is to you; but, how your FH handles it. As long as YOU are your FH's priority, then the rest is just junk you have to go through. I sense your frustration; and, feel your pain. For what it's worth, my situation wasn't better. Basically, pick your battles, kill her with kindness & always take the high road.

Good luck. To some extent you are lucky you are not an Ohio girl. You have tons of distance between you.

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OK -- deep breath.
Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 12-17-02 , 07:00 PM


I love this quote:

"You can't let anyone walk all over you without your permission."

And I can see that by standing up to her, you are NOT giving her permission to do so. That works in your favor.

From what you write, it seems as though this may be the status quo for years to come, if not forever. She has "shown herself" to you. Now it is up to YOU as to how you're going to deal with that. Neither you, nor your FH can change her; you can only change yourself. By this I mean, you can change how YOU REACT to her. That is just about ALL you can do.

It's worth repeating: she has shown herself to you, you now know what you are dealing with.

You cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of someone's feelings; it just can't be done. If you need to confront her on anything, all you can do is define YOUR position to her, tell her what you need, tell her what you will and won't accept, and then give her the choice of saying yes or no. That is ALL you can do. It's called being assertive. Be calm and resolute, without being emotional back at her.

She may well soon learn that she can't manipulate you; that you have a mind of your own. She will either continue trying to (i.e. beating her head against a wall), or she'll stop trying.

Remember; YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER. This is the place SHE goes to when she's feeling confrontational. You do NOT have to go there with her.

Best of luck........


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Re: OK -- deep breath.
Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 12-17-02 , 07:11 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by yogimel
I love this quote:

"You can't let anyone walk all over you without your permission."

And I can see that by standing up to her, you are NOT giving her permission to do so. That works in your favor.

Remember; YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER. This is the place SHE goes to when she's feeling confrontational. You do NOT have to go there with her.

Best of luck........


I agree with your entire post. You set the stage for the way she can treat you; but, so does your FH.

Mother's of the groom feel a certain loss of control. Loss of control of the wedding; but, more importantly, loss of control of her son. She is probably at her worst right about now. That said, I am not condoning her behavior.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 12-17-02 , 07:17 PM


OMG! MIL #1 HATED HATED HATED me. Once, we went to visit and she made a bed for me in the basement. She constantly told me how much she hated me. When we divorced, she threw a party and actually sent me pictures!!! It only ends when one party swallows pride and makes the first kind move. Neither one of us was willing...


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 12-18-02 , 12:26 AM


I really don't know my MIL that much. I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing!


I have only met her twice and have talked to her on the phone several times. She lives on the East Coast. She seems to be very nice......sends me gifts and emails me every now and then. She thinks I am the greatest because her son has lost weight due to my cooking!! hehe!


I am sure things will change, or I might feel differently once we are married and future "things" come up.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 12-18-02 , 02:54 AM


Man....I am so glad that Shaun moved out and his mom let loose a long time ago. I could not handle what you are dealing with. I would flip out! Good luck with her...
Jess


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 12-18-02 , 03:17 AM


I think it's best to keep your distance. Parents can be difficult and controlling. We actually had more problems with my parents than with my MIL. Dad sends me things in the mail warning me that I need genetic testing because several of my family members died from cancer. He sends religious literature, fearing that I've forgotten all that training they imposed on me as a child. (I married someone raised in a different religion, and though he loves my husband, he wants to make sure I haven't forgotten...) He badgers anyone who is over five pounds over weight. I love him dearly, but am glad he lives 3000 miles away. My MIL lives 2000 miles away. She is sweet and unobtrusive, and we love each other. But, the funny thing is, before we married, she completely ignored me. If I answered the phone, she wouldn't even address me saying, "Is DH there?" She hated the fact that DH and I lived together. As soon as we married, she loved me! The wedding planning was easy, because only DH and I had any say in the proceedings. No one ever tried to give any opinions.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 12-18-02 , 11:12 AM


Oh jeez...

You've gotten great advice so far. My MIL started out being the most irritating person I'd ever met. She was so controlling and obnoxious I always wanted to tear my hair out. I don't even want to get into the specifics. The point is, they controlled his money, his education, and most of the rest of his life. It was like he was 12 and unable to do anything for himself. When I became the "woman in his life" and she began losing her baby, I think she went a little psycho. FIL was much worse.

Strange thing is, things improved slightly when we got engaged last year, and since we got married I think I've grown to love them more in the last month than the last four years. I don't know if we've reached a shaky peace or if they're beginning to resign themselves to the fact that he doesn't need them the way he did before.

I should add, he's an only child and I don't know how much that has to do with things.

Em

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 12-18-02 , 11:51 AM


All I can say is "OH BOY."

I feel so incredibly lucky! My husband and I are from the same hometown. My brother and my brother-in-law are best friends, and have been since before I met my husband. My sister and my brother-in-law went to school together for 12 years.

Our families have Thanksgiving together every year...all of us together, it is SO sweet.

My mother-in-law is unobtrusive in an almost bad way. She would NEVER dream of stopping by unasked. Even though I wouldn't mind. She is absolutely the best, and we really like each other.

I would say your are LUCKY that you live in Texas and she is in Ohio. You have gotten GREAT advice, and I'm sure she is so peeved at losing her son.

Maybe she could plan and pay for the whole "party." You could just show up and then leave for the honeymoon.

GOOD LUCK! Take a deep breath and kiss your FI. He's a keeper for sticking up for you!!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 12-18-02 , 12:47 PM


Sorry to hear all this garbage going on in your life. I have a great relationship with my bf's mother & in fact, she cant understand why we're waiting to get married. haha She's said she wants some grandkids before she dies. She's got 4 already! When my bf showed her my old e-ring that I was trying to sell, she mistook it for the ring he bought me. She started hugging him & almost started crying cause she was so happy. The bugger that he is, didnt tell her that the ring was my old one. haha Poor woman. Well, at least we know indirectly that she's given us her blessing. haha My future father in law thinks we should get married next year. I am SO grateful they like me. Unlike my ex-fiances' mother. She hated me on site. Oh well. She's a nasty witch that I dont miss, not for one second. Again, I'm so grateful that I dont have that kind of conflict with my future in laws.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#16 @ 12-18-02 , 01:04 PM


Man, she sounds like a real witch. It's a shame you have to deal with that.

But really, what is there to deal with--she is being purposely nasty, and it's not like you can play nice and make things better. You've already gotten a lot of good advice. If it were me, I'd just stop having anything to do with her whenever possible. And if I had to deal with her, I'd just treat her like a retarded child--say "Yes, that's nice" a lot and obviously not give two figs about it.

You're very fortunate that your fiance stands up for you instead of knuckling under to mommy dearest. Since she seems to say the nastiest things to you when he isn't around, I think I would avoid anything to do with her when he wasn't there, and even when he is, to have him be the person who says and does everything. My main tactic would be avoidance of direct contact. And if she says things to him about you, I'd have him say something like "That's my future wife you're talking about, and I won't listen to that kind of thing said about her."

It is a shame when parents can't share in their children's happiness. They cheat themselves out of a wonderful relationship with the child's family. Texas sounds like a fine place to be in relation to Madame Witch.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#17 @ 12-18-02 , 01:26 PM


Thank you for all the words of wisdom and support. See the thing is that she does this crap all too often. When I think something is getting better, she goes at it again. Ok, after all her nasty and inappropriate comments yesterday, I was in the bathtub and she calls me. She NEVER calls or emails me for anything, so I was worried. She informed me that she and her husband have decided that for our wedding gift that they will give us three grand to contribute to all the wedding expenses, or do whatever with. So after the wedding gift they aren't doing anything else for the wedding. Meaning the rehearsal dinner she said she would do is now in our hands, etc. (Not meaning financial things) Fine with me, I'm still looking for the catch because I know that isn't all there is to it. She told me when she called that she realized I was getting irritated online earlier and aggrivated. I told her that yes I was and that there is just quite a bit of things to take care of and it gets irritating at times. I really wanted to tell her to back off, but I didn't. As far as her liking me when we got engaged, NOPE, not at all. She wouldn't even talk to my fiance for a few days when he told her we were engaged. We haven't ever recieved a congrats or anything like that from his mom. She liked me before we got really serious and then all hell broke loose. His aunt adores me and is really excited. Crazy stuff. We were supposed to originally go to Ohio to live, but I pitched a fit and told him I did not want to spend my life living that close to people who did not like me and acted like they did. Besides, I love Texas. Anyhow, I want things to be good with them, afterall, they will be my inlaws. I love family, and it just drives me batty that she acts like she does to me. That's okay though. Maybe in a few years she will come around. Who knows? Anyhow, thank y'all for letting my vent. I do my best to be nice to her and to keep it friendly, just wish my efforts would pay off. Thanks again y'all.
-Tami

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#18 @ 12-18-02 , 04:47 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by TxsChatterbox
As far as her liking me when we got engaged, NOPE, not at all. She wouldn't even talk to my fiance for a few days when he told her we were engaged. We haven't ever recieved a congrats or anything like that from his mom. She liked me before we got really serious and then all hell broke loose. His aunt adores me and is really excited. Crazy stuff.


I could write volumes on how your situation was similiar to mine. She is losing her boy & unfortunately simultaneously, her mind.

Take the 3k. The less you involve the MIL the better. Curious, does your parents get along w/ his parents?

It is unfortunate she has choosen this path. 20 years later I still have no relationship w/ my MIL. I ignore her. She is my hubby's mother; so, I am pleasant. She is rather scared of me because she knows now if she *pisses* me off she won't see her son (don't take that as me offering an ultimatum - hubby just WILL NOT stand for it).

Relish in the fact that the Aunt loves you. So, it's not you. You have just done the unthinkable - stole her son. Hubby's Grandmother adored me.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#19 @ 12-18-02 , 05:04 PM


It's odd that I first looked at this thread this morning, and then got a Christmas Card in the mail today from my ex-mother-in-law. It was a very nice card, with a little bit of cash in it even. I was very very suprised at that. She also included a blanket/pillow set for her granddaughter, which is really cute.

I guess that I've been blessed with Two wonderful Mother-in-laws..

Though the first one and I didn't communicate a lot, we were always cheerful with one another, and apparently even though her son and I are no longer together, I left a lasting impression on her, her husband, and their entire family. My complaint was, after all, never with his family (whom I really liked), but with him alone.

And, my Mother-In-Law-to-be is also a sweetie. She and I have a lot in common, and I like hanging out with her (and vice versa). She started spoiling her future granddaughter well before CNG and I were engaged.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#20 @ 12-18-02 , 05:18 PM


My sister-in-law and I used to not get along well. She blows off steam when she gets upset and gets loud! People like that have always scared me. She is the opposite of my brother, who is always so calm and collected. About ten years ago, the family was eating dinner at a restaurant and out of the blue she aggressively said, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I was dumbfounded, as I was only thinking about food at the time. So, I've walked on eggshells around her. Years have passed, and the situation has improved greatly. Her kids are older now, so she is not frequently losing her temper at them anymore. She's always adored my husband, from the very first day she met him. We live a six hour drive away, so the steady visits throughout the years have helped us to build a good relationship. Things are great now between us, but I have a long memory, and will always be somewhat careful about what I say and do around her. So, there is hope when dealing with 'difficult' people.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#21 @ 12-18-02 , 05:32 PM


We are going to accept the 3k from them as the wedding gift. I just really wish it weren't this way. I really want to like her and have a relationship with her, afterall, they will be family. He has a half sister who is 11 and she adores me and I want a solid relationship with his mom because of her. I really care about his little sister. *shrugs* I'm really family oriented and I want there to be a loving family around for my future children. *sigh* I'll take what I can get and continue to be nice to her. Can't have everything. Thank goodness for relaxation techniques. I'm also glad that I have learned when to pick battles, and this is just not one I am going to battle. I'll do my part and continue to be nice and make gestures to include them in our lives, but I can't do it all. Thanks again y'all for the wonderful words of wisdom and expressions.
-Tami


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#22 @ 12-18-02 , 05:34 PM


I feel very lucky after reading everyone's bad experiences. My husband is German so my MIL did not speak a word of english, she came out for our wedding and stayed a month (with us). I had found out she had been taking english lessons for 6 months so we could communicate with each other. She was the sweetest woman ever. We didn't have much of a probelem talking to each other and got along famously. My husband was her 2nd and last son, her baby, but she did not seem to have a problem with him growing up.

I heart my MIL, I wish she would move here. I miss her.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#23 @ 12-18-02 , 07:07 PM


Mine should be burned at the stake.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#24 @ 12-18-02 , 07:11 PM


Cheryl, care to share? *hugs*


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#25 @ 12-18-02 , 07:34 PM


Whew -- where to begin! I posted about her before in another thread, and it took all my strength to do so.

She's a pathological liar, whose aim in life is to always make herself look better than she is -- and her stupid sisters (they all inexplicably buy her bulls**t) believe every grammatically incorrect word that comes out her mouth. Those words, of course, originate in her brain, which in itself is less than fully functional.

She began by telling her sisters that the very first time she met me, I asked just how much she intended to give toward the wedding. I never would ask such a thing -- not even after the 100th time I met her. When I confronted her about this, she denied it ever happening.

She insisted that I pick out an engagement setting from the jewelry store she works for (which she still works for), as she would be able to get it at a good discount. When I picked out the setting, she made sure to get something that not only didn't resemble what I picked out, but wasn't even from her store. It was a badly finished mounting that came from God knows where and for how little. Perhaps she pocketed some on her son.

She told everyone -- with us present -- that she and my FIL would be paying for our honeymoon, a cruise to the western Caribbean. My FIL is a travel agent, BTW. When the time came, we were told to write them a check for a few thousand dollars. When my husband asked what happened to the offer of paying for our honeymoon, my MIL said that she never said any such thing. Meanwhile her sisters oohed and aahhed over how generous their sister was. I made sure to tell them that we paid for the honeymoon. Of course, it was I who was then the liar.

About her working in jewelry: Not only has she worked in retail jewelry for decades, but she is a collector of some of the most incredible (and a few incredibly gaudy) pieces of jewelry you are ever likely to see. Has she ever given me a single piece as a gift? Yes, a "beautiful" choker of mother-of-pearl discs that I couldn't even unload on eBay for $8.99. And believe me, I tried.

Her daughter -- who married (in her own words, which, of course, she has since denied) beneath her -- is now going through a saga with her husband, who has attempted (perhaps successfully) to cheat on her. The marriage may well be ending. I wish I could remember what my MIL exactly said, but she more than implied in no uncertain terms that it would have been better if it had happened to her son and me, rather than her beloved Missy.

Both my in-laws a spendaholics who owe more than they earn, deny themselves nothing -- and then say that they can only spare $10 for each child come holiday time. They have had liens against their luxurious home -- and have no qualms against asking my husband for thousands, which he readily gives, as he desperately, I think, seeks their approval. Growing up -- and there are witnesses to this -- he was treated like crap by noth his parents, who fawned over their daughter. My FIL even imitated my husband's stutter. When we go on vacations, it's my husband who treats them -- and it's not like we're passed along any discounts from my oh-so-wonderful FIL.

Come to think of it, they should both be burned at the stake!

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