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Old marriahlyn
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#26 @ 06-30-03 , 11:16 PM


Nope that was a year ago, what a mess of a life I've had. Things are looking up and AJ is wonderful................ I'm just worried about one major thing.

AJ wants me to be a stay at home mother which is fine with me BUT.......what happens if we're married for 25 years and I don't work and he decides to trade me in for a younger model or something (sounds funny now but it happens)...then I would have no retirement etc because I've been busy being wife and mom.

We're on the same page with everything else and get along great. Mariah also adores him and respects him.

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pre-nup...
Quote this post and reply to it Post#27 @ 07-08-03 , 06:36 PM


my fiance and i are going through this pre-nup thing right now. i, myself, come from a family with a lot of money. my father worked very, very hard his entire life to earn & save that money for my brother & i and our future families. i don't think there's anything wrong with signing a pre-nup. i plan on spending the rest of my life with my fiance. there's no doubt in my mind that he's the guy for me. and i don't think signing a pre-nup changes that.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#28 @ 07-08-03 , 07:59 PM


You know, I NEVER plan on being in a car accident, but I have car insurance. I also NEVER plan on having cancer or any other EXPENSIVE medical bills, but I have health care coverage.

I think a pre-nuptual agreement is only prudent. Even if the couple is just starting out, with nothing. What if one puts the other through college, then promises the same for the other... there are too many scenarios to go through.

I totally agree with the other poster that commented about WHY the fiance would bring up the pre-nup. Is it because it's a good idea/planning, or is it a MINE vs. YOURS to protect MINE type of thing? Sounds like she had an instinctive feeling about the GUY not the pre-nup. Also, this planning and discussing may reveal some thing about your fiance you didn't know before. Good or bad, who knows.

OK. I'll be honest here. I'm from a modest amount of money. I still work for a living, but I did buy my house CASH (not easy in CA for a 20 year old to do). GOSH, I'm so glad I did that. Escrow closed before the wedding date. My former DH ... or just H... quit his job after 1 month of marriage, two years of on-again, off-again working, two more years I supported him through his MBA program ... then he leaves.

Yes, those lawyers were correct, pre-nuptual agreements CAN be torn apart in court. However, if you set your-self up correctly before the marriage, (appropiate assets seperate, etc.)even with out a pre-nuptual, you can retain most of what you have. The best money I spent was not on the pre-num, but sitting with the lawyer talking about the difference between community property and sole/seperate property. Bottom line, know what the laws are in your state. SHARE with your future DH your plans. The idea of going over goals and future plans IS good for a couple!! I think my former DH thought I was totally loaded and he could just go to movies and play video games for his "living".

Regarding inheriting family money, in CA, what I would have inherited could have still been considered my sole and seperate property. But that also depends on how the will is written. My folks have express language regarding the primary children only, not spouses, or some thing like that.

(gads... was that way too long...)

Last edited by debinsandiego : 07-08-03 at 08:03 PM.
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debinsandiego
Quote this post and reply to it Post#29 @ 07-09-03 , 05:28 PM


You are very smart!

Good thing you didn't pull a J.Lo!

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Jumping In Late Here
Quote this post and reply to it Post#30 @ 07-17-03 , 10:17 AM


Personally, I wouldn't sign one either.

I subscribe to Dr. Laura's belief: Signing a pre-nup means you're prioritizing "things" above the relationship, as pre-nup protects your "things."

Personally, I would never start a marriage that way. Besides, if I ever felt I had to protect my "things" from someone, I would never marry him, much less sign a pre-nup. I would only marry someone when there is complete trust and faith.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#31 @ 07-17-03 , 12:12 PM


I had complete trust and faith in my ex-husband. COMPLETE. I thought we would ALWAYS be together. For many years, I couldn't see life with out him. (even if it wasn't the best life...) We went to college together, we were the best of friends for YEARS before we dated. I trusted him more than any one else I had ever been with. That's WHY I married him.

I was still wrong about him.

I'm also not PLANNING on getting into a car wreck on my way home from work today.

I'm really disturbed by the answers about "feelings" and "beliefs". Would any one walk in front of a judge and give them that as an excuse for not being prepared? I'm even more disturbed that a "Dr." was giving out legal advice. I think her realm of expertise would have been how the couple deals with their legal issues, not the legal issues themselves. I have yet to have a lawyer give me medical advice.

I hate giving away my money to car/house/medical insurance. You know, I could totally NOT pay any of it. And for many years, that may be just fine, I either won't get sick, or not get in an accident. However, that still would not make the decision to go with out coverage a good decision. Some folks make bad decisions, and it just hasn't caught up with them, who know, perhaps it never will.

Not everyone needs a prenuptial agreement. Most folks would probably be just fine with out. But every one does need to be educated about the laws in their state, what they are responsible for, etc. Don't leave a legal/financial decision as big as that one up to "feelings", "beliefs"... or worse yet ... a "Dr"(??).

The best untruths are couched in the truth.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#32 @ 07-17-03 , 04:01 PM


Well said Deb and I agree. I did get a chuckle out of your "Dr." comment.

Eva - I think most go into marriage believing they will be together forever and have complete trust and faith - things happen

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i'm new and this might be a bad start but...
Quote this post and reply to it Post#33 @ 07-29-03 , 02:33 AM


Here is how I feel. I make far more than my fiance. I out earn him by almost double. I love him not for his money but for what he brings to my life. The reality is that if you were to stay at home, you would be totally protected in the event of a divorce as almost all states are community property states, meaning you get half. Further more the best way to impower yourself is to make sure that you are part of the bill paying process regardless of the actual money you contribute. By knowing what is being paid and what is owed, you can have a firmer grasp on your financial life. The truth is, no one expects a divorce, but a big part of marriage is money and people think that it's impolite to talk about the cold hard cash. If the idea of not having any say over your financial future scares you, maybe you and your sweetie should take a class on money management together? Or sit down with an accountant who can help you formulate a plan. This whole problem seems to me to be more about your fear and anxiety and less about money. You should also make sure you have some money that is entirely yr own. For us, we each get an allowance outside our bills and payments. We take our money and do what we will with it. You could invest yr nest egg any way you would like. We learned the hard way, many fights and long discussions, but we have ironed out the issue. You would talk frankly with your man about the number of children to have, or what kind of meal to serve at your wedding, talk to him frankly about your desire to feel financially secure.

And good luck. Boys with the letter J in there name tend to be great.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#34 @ 07-31-03 , 08:46 AM


Hi Claire-
It's ok, I posted this thread to get honest opinions and that's what I wanted. When he said the word pre-nup, I just freaked because I really wasn't sure why it was needed as we are perfectly suited and it's not like he's Mr. Wealthy.

First off I'll say that we know only a little of each others finances as we're in the minority and live apart and don't share finances. I learned that his parents fronted him some money to buy his house so he didn't have a mortgage etc. The pre-nup is just to protect their equity in the house and also some cherished belongings he has passed from his family. I understand completely. The pre-nup is just that PRE and will not include anything gained from the time we get married on.

But now I have a dilema. My father owns a very successful company and in 3 years is going to sell (my uncle who is co-owner wants to retire at 50). Now I've been told a trust will be set up for me and I'm not sure whether to include this in the pre-nup or not.

It's not as bad as I thought and being a traditional type, I just didn't want to have to think about this. We will be starting the paperwork soon as the wedding will most likely take place this October.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#35 @ 07-31-03 , 09:29 AM


marriahlyn,

If it's o.k. for him to protect his "family money" it should be equally fair and correct for you to protect your "family money". If I were you I would speak to my lawyer about it first. I would think that you should include it in the pre-nup because if "god forbid" you get seperated later you will want your family money to go to you and your daughter completely and not "shared" with him, since his family "fortune" will not be shared with you. Most likely you'll never need to worry about it at all and the pre-nup will never be used. But it's good insurance to include it now. Just my humble opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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I apologize in advance
Quote this post and reply to it Post#36 @ 07-31-03 , 11:39 AM


Beacuse I dont think you want to hear this, but I think you need to.

I too do not live with my honey, although for practical purposes (we were offered an amazing deal on a reposessed home in San Diego so we bought the house even though we do not live in it, thus it made sense to mix our money before marriage as we were already sharing the burden of a mortgage) we share money (the wedding is in October). So i understand how you feel to a degree it is hard to go from being singular to being a couple without the inbetween buffer. I wont get into why the living together was no a good choice for us as its not the point...back to the pre nup.

Honey, if he is being tight and stingy with you now he always will be. He can justify this by saying his parents dont want to loose equity, but if you marry him, wont you be having his children? What kind of people would take from the mother of their grandchildren, simply because "it was mine first?" Again, when you marry him, won't you be part of his family. Are you not entitled to heirlooms? Will your children have to forgo heirlooms because they were born after the heirloom was deemed to be such? Do you see the silly logic of his arguement. Do you see how easy it would be for him to say to you "well I did buy a lotto ticket, but I bought it with money from my home equity loan so since you don't own my home, you don't get a piece of my lottery ticket."

You should insist on getting a pre nup of your own as it might be a nice wake up call for him to know that this sort of thing works both ways. But really before you move on at all, I would beg you to please think about not signing. If that house is to be your family home, what will happen to and your children if you divorce. He will get the largest asset in your marriage and you will be left homeless.

Think about this seriously, I beg you, I know someone who did just what you are about to do and lived to regret it. When he left 15 years into their marriage she got half the savings (roughly 10K) and half the checking (2k) and he got the house (in so. cal, 300K plus).

Please don't hate me because I said all this.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#37 @ 08-06-03 , 04:36 AM


Claire - it's a good and fair answer.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#38 @ 08-06-03 , 11:25 AM


marriahlyn,

I'm no lawyer, so please DO confirm this with your own lawyer, but I do believe that if the trust for you is in your name, and only your name, it will only be FOR you. Pre-nup or not.

On the other hand, your FI's house, depending on how his parents did the paperwork, their name may be on the house as well, or not. With our a pre-nup, as a married partner, you MAY (?? double check this...) be entitled to any increase in value of the house. That is a complicated situation, but there is wiggle room, thus the parents most likely needing a pre-nup.

The two of you could do one pre-nup with stipulations on both issues.

I don't think either of my brothers did a pre-nup, even though they sound like they are in your fiance's shoes. I'm happy to report, they are both happily married for 16 and 17 years now.

Good luck with your marriage, all this is a bit of a downer to think about during such a happy time, but I think it's VERY IMPORTANT to find out about each other's finances and the way you each approach handling your money, or even handling your lack of money!! No matter what the case, finances are an evil necessity of life and if a couple is going to share their life together, you may as well talk about it now. You will be talking about it eventually.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#39 @ 08-06-03 , 11:30 AM


Everything is fine now and all done. The pre-nup was for an EXACT dollar amount of the equity in the house...ie $70,000 equity in home. It does not include anything else but the amount in his 401K as of the date we got married. Everything changes if accidental so I will be safe if anything happens to him. It does not include any further equity that builds. All is calm now and we can enjoy our happy life together....wedding date is October 3rd.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#40 @ 08-06-03 , 11:35 AM


marriahlyn !!

Yeah!! Sounds as if you guys have a great resolve of the issue. Glad to hear it.

Now time to focus on the wedding... yeah!! October will be here before you know it !!



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