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Old ringlady

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 01-07-04 , 12:07 PM


I don't want the name of this post to be misleading, but i'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position as me?.... personally i don't practice any religion and am slightly doubtful in my view of actually believing in a 'God', although i suppose i do follow christian morals. technically, following my family's religion, i ought to be church of england. my fiance, is roman catholic and is intent on marrying in a roman catholic church. this doesn't bother me too much other than the fact that i am not christened and would have to be in order to marry in any christian church. i would do anything for my FH but i don't want to be thought of as a fraud, being christened into the church but not necessarily being able to promise that i will start to believe.. has anyone any particular views on this?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 01-07-04 , 12:44 PM


Dear ringlady:
here's my opinion FWIW.
i was raised RC, then spent 23 years in another religion. i am now an atheist (that is, i don't believe in a personal god)

I don't see your changing religion as being fraudulent. Unless you have intellectual/moral objections to the teachings of the RCC (e.g., papal infallibility, transubstantiation)--go ahead and switch.

about the only church service I can tolerate is the local Episcopal church!!!

HTH
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 01-07-04 , 12:54 PM


Thanx for your opinion. It was interesting what you said about the 'intellectual objections' - i dont have an 'objection' as such as in, it doesnt offend me or anything, its just that i don't believe that that sort of thing is possible... do you think that that would be a problem then?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 01-07-04 , 01:07 PM


I also am an atheist. Personally, I would not be able to bring myself to be christened or baptised of any of that. Being that I don't believe in any god, I would find it to be betraying my beliefs to do so.

Why is it your fiance is determined to marry in a Roman Catholic Church? Is he devoutly religious? Or has his dream of his wedding always been that he would do it with all the pomp and flourish involved with a Roman Catholic wedding? And how does that fit with the picture that you have in your mind of your wedding?

If you decide to be christened to make his dream come true, make sure that he knows for certain that for you, it's just something you have to do, like getting the marriage license at the license office. Be sure that he's aware that he isn't going to be able to nudge you into worshipping his way.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 01-07-04 , 01:31 PM


This really depends on how spiritual your fiancť really is.

Getting married in the Catholic Church does not always require changing your religion, although yes, I believe you have to be baptized (christened).

If your fiancť is interested in marrying in the CC (cath church) to conform to his familyís ways, and is not whole heartily requiring you to change your religious views, then you are like half a billion other couples.
Just be certain you and your husband-to-be are in complete understanding that your religious beliefs have nothing to do with the decision to marry in the church. Otherwise you will run into belief issues down the road.

If he takes his catholic faith more seriously than that, then he is the one who has to come up with the answer, assuming you have been 100% honest telling him your feelings. I personally believe (so Iím not the important one here) if you even question the existence of a God in your life, then you and your husband-to-be really should work that out before you get married. So that leads me to believe that he isnít 100% interested in your personal beliefs and just making family happy. Because a man who takes their faith seriously would not marry and later down the road raise children with two such opposing views of God and faith. This would be a real relationship issue.

When you amrry in the CC, you are essentially promising to raise your children in the church as well.
Not many people take this seriously. Little brief explaination: My first husband did what you are describing for me, got married in the CC, having been baptized in amethodist church as a baby. I later divorced him. Met my current husband. Both of us would have LOVED to marry in the CC. I cannot ever again marry in the CC. Had a Justice of the Peace. Ė moral of the story: If you really love this man, do what is 100% best for both of you. If you have real issues with the Catholic faith, then tell him. Obviously you donít see yourself divorcing this man, I am sure. But, know how you want to raise your kids. Wouldnít you rather instill your real religious beliefs onto your children if they are important to you, and not marry in the CC, instead allow your kids to be guided by your beliefs?

People donít take religion, or lack there of very seriously.
Not siding with the CC at all. Christianity is in the very LEAST important to have a sense to marry in the CC. Otherwise save yourselves a lot of problems and have more peace of mind standing up in front of a Justice of the Peace Ė keep the church open for those that believe in it.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 01-07-04 , 02:03 PM


thank you, this is all very interesting advice. i was just wondering tho what a Justice of the Peace was?
My fiance is not especially devout, although his mother is and would be upset at him marrying in anything other than a RC church. he has said that he would bring up our children with the knowlege of the RC faith, and really, this wouldn't be a problem for me. i just don't want to feel a fraud myself. that's why this 'Justice of the Peace' sounds interesting..

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 01-07-04 , 02:14 PM


Justice of the Peace is someone non-religious who sanctions marriages. This varies state by state. In Ohio, it can only be a judge, or an ordained minister of some sort. Some states allow notaries to do it.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 01-07-04 , 02:34 PM


Not prying but how far along are you in wedding planning?

Have you ever discussed religion with your future in-laws? I would have a hard time (become I'm so mouthy ) not letting people know exactly where I stand if asked.

Seems you would feel more comfortable not getting married in the CC. Becuase you mention the fact that you dont want to feel like a fraud a lot. If I were you I would make sure I didn't get married in the RCC. Becuase you aren't being honest with yourself. If you start out your marriage with any kind of deception, you will not be setting yourself up well for the rest of your lives together.

How much 'influence' your famalies are putting into your wedding will
make a difference. Do what you and your b-friend want. Enter into this as honest as possible. Getting married before God means exactly that. My other suggestion, maybe you are younger and not had a chance to spend a lot of time researching and feeling . . examine your beliefs and put them in order before you join into marriage.
Its okay to not be affiliated with a church, and I wouldn't satnd int he way of someone deciding the be athiest but since your fiance has religious ties - further examine them before you go any further.

Religion is like one of those things - like math, and understanding why you have to learn it in school. You think you're never going to have to rely on it. But you end up using it almost daily when you grow up. Religion, or I should say: A firm understanding of your existence, whether attributed to a 'God' or higher being, energy, etc will help you every day of your life.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 01-07-04 , 03:08 PM


Pip:
as someone who is coming from a somewhat similar position, let me add:
I do not take Communion when i attend Episcopal church: I just can't do that with my non-belief in god. I do not think I could be baptized, because of what these rituals mean to believing Christians.To me it would be disingenous on both ends.

I view organized religion as a social and cultural instition.

Aside to Bella: not to be mean, but please speak in the first person (instead of "you") when relating your own experience with religion. Not everyone shares your views, and others---myself included---have had very differing experiences with Christianity as it is practiced in the West.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 01-07-04 , 03:14 PM


mars - Despite my grammer I am very respectfull of others religious views. Please dont think so. I think your advice is very good too.
I tried to leave my own belief out of the post as much as possible.

If it helped any then I'm happy - my only wishes were to convey the same message as you did. I'm just long winded

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 01-07-04 , 04:49 PM


thank you for all of your views, i can see where you are all coming from and as Bella mentioned, i certainly don't want to go into marriage under any form of deception to myself. this christmas i attended a service with my family at a CofE church and also with his family at a RCC! -it was more in the feeling of good will and to share in my loved ones experiences at chrictmas. however, taking that further step and actually becoming affiliated more seriously with the church is something i'm still not sure about.

in terms of my fiance and his parents, both know my views and exactly where i stand on the isuue, so they are aware of the consequences of my decisions. it has been of some lengthy discussion and i think that my fiance thinks of becoming christened and marrying in a church as not really such a big deal. although he is a believer to an extent he does not practice it often. he also doesnt mind if i prefer to get christened into the church of england (as my family are,) but his mother has 'in her light-hearted way' made it clear that she would be upset if he were not married in a RCC....if is wasn't for this influence i don't think that he would mind so much...it's a difficult one! we havent set a precise date yet, so i think that this will have to be sorted out befor we go ahead and start booking things...

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 01-07-04 , 05:34 PM


It is a very tricky and slippery path when two partners come from different religions.
We chose to 'ignore' the problem, and a big factor that made it easier is that we chose not to have children.
Believe me, we would have caught h*ll from my parents if our (potential & non-existent) kids were not raised in the 'true religion.'
We got married in a restaurant by a friend who was a mail-order minister.
Both the families seemed fine with it.
Despite the religious & cultural differences, it worked out because my family completely adored my fiance and vice versa.
My husband and I have very different views on God and religion. Neither one of us belong or attend services of an organized group. The really strange thing is, without outside influence, is that I more embrace the tenets of his original religion and he more agrees with mine. I think that's pretty funny. Maybe it's a sign we're meant for each other. We do agree completely on what constitutes moral behavior and right conduct. We just have different opinions on what God is or isn't. It doesn't seem to get in the way of our happy marriage.
My cousin did get married in a church that isn't the religion of my family. All h*ll broke lose. Her mother wasn't going to attend the ceremony, bad feelings arose in both families etc. I couldn't care less. I just went and attended and enjoyed the wedding. I am always disturbed when I hear of religious differences creating disharmony and problems. I do like it when I see the different groups marry and co-mingle. It makes me think that maybe there is a glimmer of a chance for peace in the world.
Good luck to you!
(Off my soap box now.)

Last edited by Itbit : 01-07-04 at 05:38 PM.
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 01-07-04 , 05:41 PM


Ha ha. I just thought of something funny. Your future mother-in-law is a hypocrite (like lots of good Catholics - ducking to not be hit w/ lightening -) so why should it all matter anyway I suppose. Unless like Mars said, you decide you canít take part in a religious ceremony you donít believe in, out of respect for yourself and others. Your mother-in-law is only after appearances it seems. Or thinks youíll be magically converted one fine day?

Since youíre a non-believer, the ceremony has no spiritual meaning anyway. Most families will lie and not tell the priest that, unfortunately it depends on your family and the priest. You have to take classes with your husband before the wedding anyway, and meet one-on-one with the priest. Telling him how you feel will be the hardest part believe it or not, so maybe take some time to think of your reasons supporting an atheist view. A good catholic priest will indeed challenge you. Maybe heíll be corrupt and wont care though, these days you never know. (again - ducking to not be hit w/ lightening -)

Itís a tough one. Maybe if you have a long time to go before getting married, itíll make better sense you.

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