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Post#26 @
01-19-04
, 04:20 AM
Okay....What they said AND... If you are sleeping with him, then stop See what happens then. Hugs from me too. It is just plain mean to give you a date and not follow through, not once but twice. |
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Last edited by ancienthills : 01-19-04 at 04:25 AM.
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Post#27 @
01-19-04
, 09:12 AM
Lots of complainination. He can’t make you happy if he can’t perform to your expectations. You should do him a favor and move on. If he brought you enough joy in life you wouldn’t be feeling so slighted and discussing it to this extreme. Poor guy probably expressed his sincere interest in spending his life with you and you can’t sit tight long enough to let him follow through. There’s a guy out there somewhere-just waiting for someone like you. There were a couple girls I’ve known who finally separated themselves from long-term relationships like yours because they weren’t ‘paying off’..they usually immediately meet someone who pops a ring on their finger within months, get married have kids.. but don’t look back and wonder what could have been. If you give your guy a quarter of the grief that you’re expressing here, fewww . . .no wonder he’s taking ample time. |
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Post#28 @
01-19-04
, 09:38 AM
I agree with alot that has already been said......but wanted to give my experience. When my husband and I first met, we both pretty much new that "this was it". We talked about our future early on. However, he is quite the rebellious sort! I asked him (and nagged a bit, I'm sure  )about getting "the ring". Same thing here, birthdays, Christmas, whatever would go by and no ring (although, he never said either way whether any of those times would be "the propsal"...he was just very coy when asked about it actually)Well, when I finally realized he wasn't doing it anytime soon (and asking him about it wasn't helping) I just stated that "remember, I would really love a June wedding?"........I let it go after that....honestly didn't say a word about it anymore. He proposed on May 1st.  (okay, I had the wedding that June......didn't want to wait an entire year!! But it turned out beautifully!)Basically what I'm saying is he wanted it to be his idea and done in his time . And I finally let him,lol. And, I can almost guarantee that he would not have asked me for a very long time had I not finally stopped asking/bugging him about it!! Anyway, this is just my experience! Again, not knowing your exact situation I just hope it helps somehow. Edited to add......that this was almost 15 years ago and he's still quite the rebellious sort!!  He still likes to do things in his time and of course, his idea (Ha, I only let him think it's his idea!...I've learned how to do that well in 15 years together.....course I think he knows that now too )
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Last edited by jewelle : 01-19-04 at 09:45 AM.
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Post#29 @
01-19-04
, 09:39 AM
Things will work out the way they were meant to whether you stay with him or not. |
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Last edited by ancienthills : 01-19-04 at 09:42 AM.
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Post#30 @
01-19-04
, 09:44 AM
I kinda sorta see where you're coming from Bella, but if you're right and the guy is just not sure of what he wants to do re settling down fully and getting married and the whole five yards, then I don't see why he doesn't just say so. Why say he wants to propose, give a date and then renage without any explanation? That behaviour just doesn't gel with the guy being upfront and honest about this relationship and where it's heading, in my book. I still feel these two should talk and the sooner the better. |
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Post#31 @
01-19-04
, 11:54 AM
I have a friend that was in a very similar situation to yours. She had been with the man that is now her fiance for about three years and he had been dangling a proposal in front of her like a carrot. You know "I'll propose by the end of January, promise" "I'll propose after you graduate college, promise" "I'll propose before the year is over, promise" What it finally took for him to propose is this: I found a ring with a really great stone that she liked (*hated* the setting), she bought it and gave it to him saying that she didn't want to see it again until he proposed to her (it sat on the table for months, untouched). He finally proposed because he was moving out of state and didn't want to go alone. I don't know if he proposed to propose or if it really was because he didn't want to go alone. I'm biased. I'm also biased because he had the stone reset into a $100 tiffany style setting. Now dont' think I'm a snob, but if a man can afford *thousands* of dollars in scuba gear, the least he can do it get his GF a ring and a nice setting.  And then I was with her last week and she found a setting she wanted and was about to buy it herself. It's a DIY engagement. My point is that she resents him for all of this. I can't tell you why she stays with him because I don't really know. I think he's Mr. RightNow, honestly. He has some good points, but I simply dont' think she can live with him over the long haul. Helle, she's already talking about the divorce, and she hasn't even married him! Okay-I just had to tell that because it kind of applies and I'm  about it.Here's what I told her and what I'm telling you without knowing more of your situation: If it's this hard, chances are it ain't worth it. Period. I *am* a spoiled woman; I did meet my husband and become engaged to him within 6 months. Why? It was *easy*. I had been in relationships before where I had fought for a commitment and we had just fought period. With my DH, everything just fell in place. I never wondered if he wanted me, I never wondered if he loved me. There were no uncertainties. The sense of freedom and commitment and comfort I felt with him was mind-blowing. I had never experienced that before anywhere. We celebrated our 3rd anniversary just a few months ago, and yes, the work part of marriage is at times showing up but he's *so* worth it. I know there are women on this board who have waited and fought for their engagmeents and now have great marriages. The problem is that I have never experienced that and don't know what to say about it. All I can say is that in my experience if it's that hard to join your life with a man, he ain't worth it. My belief is that there's something wrong that doesn't fit. Now here's what you need to do-you need to stop seeing this as your problem. It's his problem. He's a weenie. In my opinion, without having ever met him, he's a big weenie for making promises he appears to have never intended to keep. I would kick his butt just for that. If he's a grown man, he should be mature enough to resist making promises he has no intention of keeping. It's not exactly the lack of proposal I'm mad about here, it's the lack of respect for you and himself. He should have never put a date on something if he didn't know he could follow through. Okay, I know I've said some things that weren't very nice and you probably didn't want to hear, but I did say these very things to my best friend so you know I'm not just being mean. I hope you work this out soon. There's nothing more torturing than something like this. It's something that nags at you. [/rant off] |
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Post#32 @
01-19-04
, 11:56 AM
Quote:
Actually, do yourself a favor and move on as hard as it might be but wait till after Valentine's Day then you'll know for sure about his intentions about dragging the proposal on. It would be cruel of him to let that come and go without discussing it further if Valentine's passes. Not as if you need another personal story but here's mine. I was involved, living with (big mistake) a guy for nearly 4 years (total 5 years) Finally one day he says go pick out a ring and we'll figure out what's next. I picked mine out, bought his. One month later he says "we need to talk." He did all the talking, so I packed and moved out and moved on. He had the nerve to tell me "it wasn't really working for him!" Not exactly what I was expecting. After all that time together and living like we were married I really had no idea that we wouldn't end up married. Stupid and Naive I guess. After that I decided that I would be in control, a 6 month limit on relationships unless there was a set plan for the future. I knew I was ready to be married and I knew exactly what kind of man I wanted in my life so why waste anyone's time. It worked out perfectly for me I dated various guys for various reasons and had fun with it. Then along came a woman that introduced me to her son right during a "dry spell" where I was content with MY life. He was exactly the man I had hoped for in every way. Immediately into our new relationship we both knew where it was headed, Our 1st anniversary is Valentine's Day this year! One of the guys I dated said recently "I didn't know I had the option of marrying you!" As it turns out we're pretty good friends now but in my "interview" he told me that he didn't believe in marriage or the little white paper....well, I do. As for the other guy....who cares but I made sure he know's I'm happy with how my life turned out without him! And I found out this bonus >>>He ended up getting a girl pregnant and suddenly marrying her...O'well. You don't have to leave it up to him to decide what your future will hold and if he wants to be a part of it he needs to let you know. There is nothing wrong with you setting a time limit and moving on, if he's not ready by now then he might never be. Personally I wanted the commitment set in stone, paper, whatever, after that relationship I wasn't about to let a guy guide my life again and I wasn't interested in putting in that kind of time again waiting and hoping. Just me tho. My husband and I are great friends, lovers and all that stuff plus We are having a blast getting to know each other too since we've only been together less than 2 years now! He was on the same page as me and can't describe how good that feels to know that we really did want the same things without hesitation. Best wishes to you. |
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Last edited by CnSpotts : 01-19-04 at 12:03 PM.
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Post#33 @
01-19-04
, 12:13 PM
My gut feeling is that this "relationship" needs exterminating! It just doesn't sound like a misunderstanding in communication between "Dear one" and her guy. I think she wants to get married and on with her life, and well ... he's comfortable with not making their relationship and commitment, or his word a priority. I am trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt here, however, I just don't understand why he would "tell" her he was going to propose, and then "not" .... twice. He obviously must know how important this is to her, and by not giving an explanation as to "why" it has been delayed, well it is way beyond me. I firmly believe that when people say one thing and then do not follow thru on a regular basis, or procrastinate to the point where one begins to wonder if they will actually follow thru with what they said ... it's not going to ever go away. It will be a part of that person for the rest of their life. Expect this the rest of his life, something to think hard about, would you really want to live with someone like that? You know how we all have issues? Well, maybe one of his issues is not making good on his word? Hmmmm, I don't know. I do know that she needs to figure out what she wants, figure out that happiness starts within ... don't look to someone else to "make" you happy, be in control of your life, and make "yourself" happy. What ever he brings to their relations ship should be the icing on the cake. Her biological clock is tickin' and the pressure that she is feeling is evident, even though she is "only" 30. This feeling that she has can do her harm. She is worried about spending too much time into a poss. no go anywhere relationship, and she is worried that she may end up all alone the rest of her life. Well, if she isn't "smart" in making choices and decisions in her relationships and being honest with feelings and communication (we as people did not come with instruction manuals or crystal balls) she will eventually end up all alone anyway because the relationship didn't have a chance to thrive or to survive. I don't know, I am not an expert, I just think that something is askew here. I hope that she can forget about the proposal and ring at this point and focus on someother important issues that are making the water ripple. I think the marraige thing is the least of her worries or should be at this point. I wish her the best. Joy |
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Post#34 @
01-19-04
, 01:44 PM
I just wanted to add that we were together a little over 1-1/2 years when he asked. So, I didn't have to wait all that long. (course, though, I still believe he would've made me wait longer had I not quit asking ) (and actually, we both knew from the beginning we would get married.....the asking was really just a formality!)So, 4 years is a bit long to still be "playing games" with you, IMO. There's been some really good advice given on this board....I'd seriously take a look at it. |
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Post#35 @
01-20-04
, 02:21 AM
Talked with FH tonight about this situation. He thinks that maybe "Dear ones" guy doesn't have the money he thought he might to get the ring. He also thought that maybe her guy is embarrassed about the situation. In any case, FH thinks that he should have said something like, I love you and I do want to marry you, however, The ring isn't done or I didn't have enough money like I thought I would, ... say something! He also stated on the other hand perhaps this guy maybe is having second thoughts and wants to break up, but just doesn't know what to say or do. It is really a sad situation, and I hope she can figure things out. FH also wants to know if she "really" loves him ... would she be willing to marry him without a ring? When it all comes down to it, the "ring" is just a symbol, and will not guarantee her that their marraige will stand the test of time. Have a good day to all, Joy |
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Post#36 @
01-20-04
, 03:36 AM
Unwanted, I am really sorry for the frustration you are feeling. I have seen way too many women I care about go through what you are going through. However, without really knowing what is between your bf's ears now, or in his heart, it would be unfair for me to judge him. lIke many others I hold on to the optimism that maybe he has comthing real special planned and can't quite pull it together yet. Really the person you probably should go to is him. have a real heart to heart with him before you decide which way to go. if you need somewhere to vent please feel free to come here. needless to say you will get many different opinions but many of us really do sympathize with you and your situation. good luck and please keep us posted. i hope you weren't scared off tonight. |
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Dear One ... Where are you???
Post#37 @
01-20-04
, 08:10 AM
I hope you are alright! I can't stop thinking about you and what you are feeling. Please know that we do care, and I hope we can help you. [If you need somewhere to vent please feel free to come here. Needless to say you will get many different opinions but many of us really do sympathize with you and your situation. Good luck and please keep us posted. I hope you weren't scared off tonight.] posted by: Kamuelamom I feel the same! Joy |
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Post#38 @
01-20-04
, 09:05 PM
I think we may have scared her off - or maybe she's having that long overdue heart to heart with her b/f. I hope she's OK though. 
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waaay later
Post#39 @
03-14-04
, 11:19 AM
So nice to look back at the confidence, openess and helpfulness of the posts. MsJoy what a sweetie you are, asking your FH, hope you're still around and Bagpuss and the others too. You gave good advice. I wonder how she's doing now. But 30 is still young, good things ahead no doubt. |
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oh no!
My fellow waited 7 long years to ask me and only just asked a few weeks ago...but he never strung me along...he just said it was defiately in the future but he never anounced his intent to propose on any day or any year. We both just accepted it as being something we were eventualy going to do and were happy together otherwise. We talked about it some (and some abut his fears b/c his parents divorced) and we talked more about getting a house eventualy and about kids, but never talked about when. The proposal, therefore, was a comlete surprize to me because I wasnt always "waiting". When he proposed it wasnt even on a "special" day. It was an ordinary monday...nothing fancy and therefore a complete surprise. Had he not proposed I would still be happily shareing my unengaged life with him and not worring about when he was going to do it. Personaly I think that if the guy says hes doing it on a certain day and then repeatedly doesnt, id leave him. That really hurts! My ex told me he was going to propose when we graduated but didnt, and we were never happy and finaly broke it off. How good is your relationship? If its spectacular except this and your sticking with him regardless of a proposal, then Id tell him how sick you are about his wishywashyness and that if he is serious he needs to do it, if hes not serious he better shut the h*ll up about proposeing so that it wont hurt you so much. |
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Last edited by lisette : 06-07-04 at 10:59 AM.
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