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Old whitemist
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 11-20-02 , 06:49 PM


Hi. I am planning on getting married in 6/03. It is going to be very non-traditional. We are getting married in Vegas and bringing only 3 close friends, no family at all.
When we get back we are doing 2 separate affairs. Since I am chinese I will be doing a dinner for family only, about 100-120 people.
But it will not be the traditional banquet and will be treat as just dinner only. I really do not like being the center of attention. Beside we would've been married at this point.
The 2nd post wedding dinner is for friends only for about 50 people.
Okay here's my problem. By the time we get married....my SO and I would've been living together for 8 years already. So basically we do not need anything. But I feel like if I don't register, people would feel obligated to give us money instead. Ofcourse I don't mind the money, but I don't want them to feel like they didn't have a choice either! On the other hand...I don't want to register for things I don't need either, that would be a waste.
What to do?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 11-20-02 , 08:42 PM


Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I totally hear you. I am getting married 5/03, and though he and I have only been living together since 8/02, we already have a houseful of stuff, overflowing into the garage, and side-yard storage. We are both YEARS out of college/grad school, and are stocked to the gills. We have really gone rounds about registering. We don't *need* stuff like many newlyweds, but also don't want to be rude to our guests. We are letting it be known by word of mouth that we really don't want/need them to buy us anything, nor give us money. Not that I'd be surprised if many did, but I don't want anyone to feel obligated. The very wise MariaD suggested that we register for at least *some* small-ticket stuff, so when people did want to get us a gift, at least it would be something of our taste. I definitely want to avoid, if I can, receiving 7 cut crystal vases/bowls/plates/anything, which I don't like at all. Not that I wouldn't be grateful, but I'd exchange them....
Good luck. If you have a lightening bolt on how to deal with this, please throw it my way....

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 11-20-02 , 08:43 PM


Then dont register. It's really that simple. Dont waste people's money by having them buy items you dont really want or need. If they give you money then put it to good use, if they pick out a gift item on their own then be touched and thank them. I think it's selfish to register and let people go thru the whole hassle of chasing registries and dealing with busy mobbed stores when they would be delighted to do their own thing.

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*sigh*
Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 11-20-02 , 09:31 PM


Bella, that is why I don't want to register because we don't need anything.
Ofcourse you can always make use of something like sheets and what not...but we have sets and sets of sheets as is.
While I do not think its "selfish" to register for the hell of it, I do agree it is a waste of time and money. Wouldn't it be even more selfish if I didn't give them any direction at all?They will probably end up spending more time finding us something.

I guess bottom line I just wanted to give the guest a choice so they don't feel backed in a corner to give money or to give money. Especially when there are a few friends that have a family, financial responsibility and can not afford to "give" much. I don't want them to feel bad. That was my major issue.

T2, maybe that is the simplest way to go. Just to tell them by word of mouth not to get anything since we don't need it and not to give us money either.
Maybe I'll ask a few of my close friends and test the waters to see what they say.....
I'll let you know if there is a better way to handle this.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 11-20-02 , 09:46 PM


register... unless you want to get a garage full of stuff you don't need nor want (which you will get even if your register). even for your chinese relatives... i got stuff from my cousin that i didn't register for nor need, like coffee maker...we don't drink coffee (b/c i didn't tell her my registry since i figured she'll do it the chinese way).

to help your guests to avoid the mauling, register with stores that they can purchase stuff over the internet... the stuff will be mailed to you... they avoid the line, the hassle and the packaging and you are delighted when you get all those ups delivery boxes.... it's like x'mas... everyday... win win situation...

i'm a practical person. i know i may get blasted for this, but... register at a store that you like and may want to buy stuff from with the credit after you returned the stuff you don't need. register for a whole variety of price range and return them after the wedding. we registered for stuff at crate and barrel that we don't need b/c we already have them. well, i figured, the guests are buying us the stuff i already have... eg. i have a calphalon set already but i registered for them so in essence, they gave our set to us at the end. i returned them and they give money back... which helped us pay for the wedding. we also registered at macy's... there is a round about way to get cash back from them too... hey, it's expensive to have a wedding these days, esp for a newly wed couple (we paid for the wedding ourselves)... i wish everyone gave gifts in the chinese way...


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Hmmmm....
Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 11-20-02 , 10:04 PM


Sopopia....that is actually a good idea.
To register at places you would normal buy things..so you can return and use the credit up later on. Good thinking!
I think may do that.
Actually Crates and Barrel would be my first choice as well!
This registry thing is more for my friends then my relatives. I am almost positive that they will do it the good ole fashion chinese way.
Even for the chinese affair..I am keep it at immediate family, close relatives...no distant, distant cousins etc...
Yes we will be paying for the wedding ourselves too and especially in NYC, everything cost an arm and a leg.
Can you believe that the price on dinner for my friends and the dinner for relatives will end up costing the same....while for the friends there will be 50 guest and family is double that amount??
Starting to wonder why I didn't take my mom's advice and do everything at once the chinese way. But I know I won't be happy with. I don't mind spending alittle bit more just so I wont' regret it later.
Thanks again Sopapia!

T2, do you think this will work for you too?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 11-21-02 , 05:31 AM


I really hate the idea of registering for wedding presents. We've been living together for 2 years and don't need anything and when we need something, we buy it. And I would really dislike dealing with returning stuff and writing thank yous for stuff that was just returned in the end.

If someone asks me what I want, I'm going to say money and I have no shame in that. My family would rather mail a check than go shopping to hunting down a registry.
When I buy a wedding present, I would much rather write a check than deal with contacting someone to find out about a registry, hope the store is in my area, find it, deal with a freakin registry. A card and check is so easy! If I knew a couple that had been living together for 8 years, I wouldn't even expect a registry because you probably have everything you want and I would automatically give money.
Just my 2 cents on the subject....I'm very untraditional.

And congrats on the Vegas wedding. I'm headed out there for a week next month for lots of fun and to check out some chapels for my vegas wedding in 04.

Christine

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 11-21-02 , 05:29 PM


How about "Please No Gifts" on the invite?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 11-21-02 , 06:03 PM


Quote:
How about "Please No Gifts" on the invite?


I know that a lot of etiquette stuff has changed, but I think there are still enough of us that feel that the word "gift" should never, ever be on an invitation or even in the same envelope. Yes, even in that context. It's just rude, as if you are making assumptions about people bringing gifts. Gifts are...well...*gifts*. Some people will give them (regardless of whether you wish to have them) and some won't. But noone should feel pressured either way.

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Then why not be altruistic?
Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 11-21-02 , 06:10 PM


"In lieu of gifts, we encourage anyone wishing to honor our marriage to make a donation to <name charitable institution>"

In fact, I think that many charities will be able to help you out with this... special envelopes or some kind of code designating the gift in your honor...

Just a thought

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 11-21-02 , 07:05 PM


According to Peggy Post...for the couple that has everything, consider registering at the following:
1) A local nursery or plant, tree, or shrub garden or terrace
2) A liquor store for a selection of wines or chamagne
3) A caterer for a special meal after the weding
4) A gallery for a contribution to an "artwork" account
5) A ticket agent, for ballet, opera, or theater tickets

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 11-21-02 , 07:27 PM


Thanks for all the wonderful advice.

Now I have so many options I don't know which route to go with. Ha!
My cousin actually suggested registering
for gift certificates to my favorite stores. This way I'll can get whatever I want later on. I think that is a great idea.
I think I am going to do a combination of Sopapia suggestions and my cousin's.
If I run out of time...then I might just take Rank Amateur advice and say No gifts please. Not on the invite...but maybe word of mouth instead. Because having it on the invite is abit presumptuous.

Christine, congrats to you too!
I knew I always wanted to get married in Vegas. My SO and I go to Vegas once a year so we knew Vegas would be perfect for us. Let me know how your trip went when you get back from Vegas.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 11-21-02 , 08:30 PM


If you did consider going the charitable route, this website is very helpful:

Married for Good

Good luck with your decision.

Nat

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 11-21-02 , 10:51 PM


it doesn't matter if you write no gifts... they will bring one... might as well register than end up with stuff you don't need.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 04-21-03 , 09:06 PM


Katie and I got a lot of advice about this since we really don't need much. The basic result of all of the various discussions and bits of advice is this:

People want to give presents to newlyweds, but they generally do not want to spend a lot of time looking for the gift. A registry helps them because they can go into the store, pick something in the price range that they like and then can be certain that it is something you asked for.

If you do not want presents, find a store that will provide cash back for any registry purchases made. Bed Bath & Beyond comes to mind. Register with them, make sure a good number of selections in each price range is available and if people ask (because they WANT to give you that present) then tell them to go check at the store you told them about.

When all is said and done and you feel bad about keeping the money then give it to charity, but the most important thing is that you can return the stuff. If you register then most places will accept the registry as your receipt (as opposed to requiring a receipt or returnable gift receipt). That makes certain that you CAN return things instead of having to guess.

Oh yea... if all else fails and you get stuff you don't have a clue about and you have NO earthly idea where it came from: Wal***** has a bizarre return policy where they give back at the least store credit even if it's something they've never carried or sold in their entire existence (You do have to be a little insistent about being sure you bought it at a Wal*****).

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