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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 07-25-02 , 03:01 PM


I've been asked to be a bridesmaid again. It seems that the maid of honor (the bride's sister) may not give the bride a bridal shower. This sounds odd, I know. (Their family is complex).

Because of the situation, as a regular bridesmaid, am I obligated to plan and host the shower for the bride? What does tradition dictate?

[Edited by empresseva on 07-25-02 at 03:04 PM]


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 07-25-02 , 03:35 PM


empresseva---

i believe traditionally the mother of the bride and the matron/maid of honor give the shower. many times the bridesmaids help with money and/or planning.

I don't think you are obligated to plan or pay for the entire thing. Have you asked the others what they want to do, or asked the MOH if she has started planning the shower?

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 07-25-02 , 03:37 PM


Eva, you're not obligated, but it may be nice if you can take the lead and ask all the bridesmaids to pitch in to throw one.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 07-25-02 , 03:47 PM


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Have you asked the others what they want to do, or asked the MOH if she has started planning the shower?


Thank you for your post, Kara! Your input helped!

No, I haven't spoken to the rest of the wedding party yet, nor met them. I was asked to be a bridesmaid yesterday. I plan to introduce myself to the others soon.

However, I spoken to the bride, and that's what she told me. She's not expecting a shower.

When I meet the MOH, I will ask her plans, and offer my assistance.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 07-25-02 , 03:51 PM


Empresseva---

Even if she doesn't expect a shower, I am sure she would be thrilled to have small get-together in her honor. I originally did not want a shower because we are going away to get married, and I didn't want people to feel obligated to buy me gifts, especially if they were not making the trip for the wedding...and the people who are coming are spending money on hotels, etc.

But, my one bm and the moh are throwing me a shower sat. and i am really excited and pleased to see how many people are coming.

i don't think it has to be a big deal, but i am sure she would love the gesture. you sound like a take charge gal, so maybe just introduce yourself to the other girls and ask everyone's input. hopefully someone will step forward. if not, maybe you could ask them who wants to do what for the shower.

good luck, Kara

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#6 @ 07-25-02 , 04:06 PM


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Eva, you're not obligated, but it may be nice if you can take the lead and ask all the bridesmaids to pitch in to throw one.


Hest, I think you're right.

My only concern is that I may inadvertently step on toes. Several years ago, I was in a similar situation, and I did exactly what you suggested. Although the shower went well and the bride was pleased, there was tension between me and the MOH (who was also the bride's sister).

The MOH didn't appreciate that I became popular among the bride's friends (through hosting a successful bridal shower), and comments to me such as "YOU should have been the maid of honor!" and at the wedding, "You should win "Bridesmaid of The Year. You're doing a great job." The MOH resented me. It was terrible. Personally, I beared and grinned it because the bride was happy with everything I done for her. I did everything only because the MOH was too lazy to do anything. The bride was in tears about it.

[Edited by empresseva on 07-25-02 at 04:09 PM]


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#7 @ 07-25-02 , 04:28 PM


Eva, I'm actually in a similar but opposite situation. My girlfriend's getting married Aug 3rd. Our mothers were friends before she was even born, so in a way she's the oldest friend I have. However, we lived in different cities and only saw each other sporadically. We "got back together" about 5 years ago and since have gotten quite close. She's even called me her best friend.

Originally she only wanted unmarried women to be her bridesmaids so she asked a woman she wasn't all that close to to be her MOH. She began regretting it soon after, but the deed was done. Then, her FH wanted to add another groomsman, so she took that as an opportunity to ask me to be her Matron of Honor. Now, the other 3 gals went to high school together and so have been friends a long time. I knew them only casually. I've been trying not to step on any toes and have tried to let the Maid of Honor take the lead--since she was there first. Still, I've felt quite excluded from the whole process. The other three often make decisions without me, even though I'm supposed to be the co-MOH. They even planned a bachlorette dinner/outing (the evening of our bridal party-only spa bachlorette party), inviting all of the bride's friends, before informing me that I should keep that evening open.

So, it's been rather an uncomfortable experience, but I've just reconciled it like this: being MOH is a job. And I'm going to treat it like a job by doing the best I can to make the bride happy without letting personal feelings get in the way.

Sorry for being so long-winded, but my point is, just do what you know you should do and don't worry about what the other gals might or might not feel. The important thing is to support the bride.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#8 @ 07-25-02 , 04:29 PM


Thank you, KB. Your input helps, too!

I will talk to the MOH. I will offer suggestions and assistance.

I hope my worse fear won't come true - where the rest of the wedding party won't care, and won't want to do anything. That will be bad!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#9 @ 07-25-02 , 04:49 PM


Wow, Hest. You're in a tough situation. It must be awkward!

I am hesitant about stepping out of tradition. My past experience supports that.

You're right, though. I should think of what's best for the bride. Oh boy.

[Edited by empresseva on 07-25-02 at 04:49 PM]


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#10 @ 07-25-02 , 05:23 PM


empresseva---if the other girls don't want to do anything, I am sure I could round up a cattle prod for you to use on them.

if they are her true friends, they should want to help her.

good luck and don't get too stressed until you talk to the other girls and see what they say and how they act!

Kara

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#11 @ 07-31-02 , 02:13 PM


I just want to update you all on the situation.

Well, it seems that the bride's sister doesn't want to be the maid of honor. She's resistant to the idea in a passive way. It's been over a week, and she still needs time to "think about" accepting the honor. ?????

Frankly, I don't understand that. My relationship with my sister is nothing like that.

The other bridesmaid seems to be flakey. The bride left her a message to talk about her being a bridesmaid, and hasn't heard back from her for over a week. ????

So far, I'm the only bridesmaid that's "in."

Well, upon hearing about the other bridesmaids, I offerred to host a bridal shower tea for the bride. The bride is getting married in five weeks, so I decided to step in because there's no time to wait for the other bridesmaids, and to plan. The bride told me I didn't have to do anything for her, but I think she's pleased. Frankly, this is all that matters to me. I want her to be happy.

Well, I hope everything works out. Wish me luck!


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Huh?
Quote this post and reply to it Post#12 @ 07-31-02 , 03:17 PM


Geez, Eva, what kind of family/friends (other than you) does this gal have! I just can't imagine this at all! I'm so glad you're here for her, though. It's stressful enough being a bride without having your bridesmaids be such flakes.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#13 @ 07-31-02 , 03:41 PM


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Geez, Eva, what kind of family/friends (other than you) does this gal have!


I agree. When the bride updated me, I almost swore in disbelief. Some people!

Well, I will try my best to give my friend a nice tea party. She wants a small get-together. I think I can manage that. I want to give her a happy memory. I hope it all works out!


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#14 @ 07-31-02 , 08:20 PM


Quote:
i believe traditionally the mother of the bride and the matron/maid of honor give the shower. many times the bridesmaids help with money and/or planning.


It's so fun for me to hear about what is and isn't "traditional" for some people. In certain circles (check your older etiquette books, I guess) it is considered improper for a sister (even if she's MOH) or mother of the bride to throw a shower. Something to do with the fact that a shower is for gift giving, and it's sort of weird for a mom to send invitations to give gifts to her own daughter. This isn't necessarily my personal opinion (no flames please!), just an etiquette thing that has likely relaxed a bit, similar to the notecards people now put in shower invites telling people where they are registered. That would also have been considered rude in my (former) part of the country years ago.

Eva, I think it would be a fabulous, wonderful thing for you to give your friend a shower. I do think it could be done by the whole group of bridesmaids. Go ahead and plan as you said, and perhaps you can get them to help you later. If not though, the tea is a great idea. The bridesmaids and I threw a tea/shower for the last wedding I was in and the bride loved it. You are such a nice person to think of it, and I am sure your friend will be so touched. FYI, for favors we got (garage sale, flea market) teacup & saucers, and planted african violets in them for decorations/favors. One of the bridesmaids made tags that said "Thank you for coming to Tracy's Wedding Shower" and the date. We also had different teas as favors, and we gave the bride a tea set. Teas are fun...I'm such a girlie girl sometimes!

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#15 @ 07-31-02 , 08:31 PM


Empresseva--

You are a wonderful friend for taking charge and planning something for the bride. These girls sound nuts! If her wedding is in 5 wks, they don't have time to hem haw and "think about" whether to be in her wedding or not! Thank goodness she has you as a friend!

Kara

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#16 @ 08-01-02 , 04:03 AM


Thank you for all your kind words, everyone! You're all so nice!

Jackieblue, the tea party you co-hosted sounds wonderful! You and the other bridesmaid did a great job! I love tea parties, too! They're so nice!

I hope everything works out. I am glad I decided to host a bridal shower for my friend. She seems happy with that, and I'm happy that she's happy.


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#17 @ 08-04-02 , 01:50 AM


My MOH was my sister and she was great! She did all the favors and centerpieces and she made several floral arrangements and decorations for the boat, plus she was graduating college and had 2 jobs all around the same time as the wedding. Because of her hectic schedule she couldn't throw me a bridal shower. At first I thought I didn't want one but then as the wedding got closer I felt like I wish someone would do it. My two long term childhood friends, who were my bridesmaid, never once offered to do anything. They never even talked about throwing me a bachelorette party which completely bummed me out. Then my husband added his old college friend, Kristin, to be part of his wedding party. She also has become a very good friend of mine and when she found out no one was doing anything for me, she was appalled! She couldn't believe that my bridesmaid's didn't do anything for me. So within 2 weeks, she planned an amazing bachelorette party for me (which had lasted for TWO days!). I had such a great time! Of course my bridesmaid were invited but they only showed up for an hour and then had to leave...

I really believe that every bride really needs to have a great big bash! Whether it's a bridal shower or tea party or bachelorette party. Even though technically it's the MOH responsibility to throw the shower, my sister was doing soooo much already, I was hoping my BM's would have had a party for me. My feelings were really hurt that my bridemaids didn't do anything for me.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#18 @ 08-04-02 , 01:01 PM


Julie,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Your friend Kristin sounds great!

I'm still planning the bridal shower tea. The bride wants a small get-together, something elegant and special. I came up with an idea she loved, so everything is working out.


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Update
Quote this post and reply to it Post#19 @ 09-06-02 , 04:31 PM


I just want to update you all.

A couple of weekends ago, I hosted a small bridal shower get-together for my friend. It turned out very well.

For the past year, she talked about wanting to try the tea room at the Huntington Library. Has anybody been there?

When I first offerred to host her bridal shower, she declined. She was frustrated with the other bridesmaids, and didn't feel like celebrating. Then I pulled a trick out of my bag.

I said,"Well, I wanted to take you to the Huntington Library, to try out the tea room." She gasped. "Wouldn't that be nice?" I added, knowing full well she wanted to visit that place.

"Yes . . . !" she replied quietly. Well, the deal was sealed!

The Huntington Tea Room was a nice place. The teas were delicious, but the food was okay (I had nicer teas my girlfriends threw, where they made their own food). Afterwards, we visited the beautiful gardens and art galleries on the facility. My friend seemed to enjoy herself, so that was good.

Well, I just want to update you all. Thank you for all your input and comments! You were all a great help!


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RE : Bridesmaids and Bridal Shower
Quote this post and reply to it Post#20 @ 09-06-02 , 04:42 PM


Aww! That's really sweet of you!!! I'm glad she got a nice shower in a place thta she really wanted to visit. You are a really good friend!!
Jess


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RE : Bridesmaids and Bridal Shower
Quote this post and reply to it Post#21 @ 09-07-02 , 01:43 AM


Thank you, Jess! You're so kind to say that! I did what any friend would have done.


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RE : Bridesmaids and Bridal Shower
Quote this post and reply to it Post#22 @ 09-07-02 , 01:49 AM


You did what any GOOD friend would've done. Lot's of people wouldn't take the time to plan something so special for someone else.
Jess
p.s. Did you get to check out either of those Barbies I told you about?


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Quote this post and reply to it Post#23 @ 09-07-02 , 01:58 AM


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p.s. Did you get to check out either of those Barbies I told you about?


Oh no, not yet. I'm in the middle of final season, so I'm swamped.

Hopefully, I'll go tomorrow. We'll see. I have to help my friend with her wedding stuff. We have to do a bunch of errands together. She's the one I threw the bridal shower for.

Thanks for reminding me, though. I get so busy sometimes, I forget about the fun stuff!


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Last edited by empresseva : 09-07-02 at 01:59 AM.
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RE : Bridesmaids and Bridal Shower
Quote this post and reply to it Post#24 @ 09-07-02 , 02:12 AM


No problem! I hope you get to see them! They are gorgeous!
Jess


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