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Old JOELA
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#1 @ 08-21-04 , 04:10 AM


I GUESS I JUST NEED TO LET STUFF OUT. I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE, THIS IS MY STORY. I MET MY WIFE 10 YEARS AGO, I WAS 19 AND SHE WAS 15. WE DATED FOR 7 MONTHS UNTIL I MOVED TO A DIFFERENT CITY. FOR 6 1/2 YEARS WE HAD A LONG DISTANCE RELASHIONSHIP, I WOULD VISIT EVERY 6 MONTHS. WE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED AND WE DID, 4 YEARS AGO. IT WAS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE, AFTER SUCH A LONG TIME, WE HAD FINALLY MADE IT. SHE MOVED OUT WITH ME TO L.A, LEFT HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SINCE DAY ONE, I MADE IT CLEAR THAT SHE WAS A FREE WOMEN BY MY SIDE, MEANING THAT SHE COULD CALL, OR VISIT HER FAMILY WHENEVER SHE WANTED BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS HARD FOR HER. SO SHE DID, SHE WOULD GO EVERY 6 MONTHS, HER FAMILY LIVES IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. I GUESS THE FIRST YEAR 1/2 WAS FINE. BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE. FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, WE STARTED TO GO DOWN. AS A RESULT, WE WOULD GO OUT LESS, I WOULDN'T BUY HER CLOTHES WHERE I DID BEFORE. THE IDEA OF BUYING A HOME WAS FARTHER THEN EVER. BUT IN OUR RELASHIONSHIP, WE WOULD FIGHT, BUT RESPECT EACH OTHER. NEVER A BAD WORD CAME OUT OF MY OR HER MOUTH, NEVER AN INSULT, I NEVER HIT HER, I WAS NEVER UNFAITHFUL, I WOULD NEVER GO OUT AT NIGHT AND LEAVE HER ALONE. WE ALSO HAD A INTIMATE PROBLEM, SEX WAS TO PAINFUL FOR HER, SO LITTLE BY LITTLE WE DRIFTED APART, BUT I WAS NEVER UNFAITHFUL, I NEVER FORCED HER, I WOULD ALWAYS LET HER KNOW THAT IT WASN'T HER FAULT, THAT WE WOULD GET THROUGH IT, THAT I WOULD WAIT A LIFE TIME JUST TO BE WITH HER, THAT I WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER SIDE EVEN THOUGH SEX WASN'T GREAT. BUT SUDDENLY, AFTER THE FIRST YEAR 1/2, SHE STARTED TO TALK ABOUT A POSSIBLE DIVORCE, GOING TO SEE HER FAMILY AND COMING BACK WAS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER FOR HER. SHE WOULD COMPARE MY FAMILY WITH HERS, A LOT. SHE WOULD COMPARE ME WITH HER BROTHER IN LAW WHO IS A DENTIST WITH A GREAT CAREER. BUT SOMEHOW WE WOULD WORK IT OUT, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. 6 MONTHS AGO, SHE WENT TO SEE HER FAMILY, SHE LEFT IN GOOD TERMS, ONCE SHE WAS OVERTHERE, SHE CALLED AND SAID SHE WOULD NOT COME BACK, THIS HAPPENED ONLY A MONTH AFTER I FELL SICK, ALMOST DIED AND WAS HOSPITALIZED FOR 2 WEEKS. SHE LEFT. IT HURT ME, MANY THINGS WENT THROUGH MY MIND, BUT AFTER COUNSELING, I DECIDED TO FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE AND WENT FOR HER, I FORGOT ABOUT HER LEAVING WHEN I WAS ILL. I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS I KNOW FOR A FACT SHE SAID ABOUT ME TO HER FAMILY. HER REASONS TO LEAVE WERE SUDDENLY THOUSANDS. SHE SAID WE DID NOT HAVE A FUTURE, THAT I WAS A LOSER. THAT I WOULD LET HER GO TO SEE HER FAMILY JUST BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO BE AWAY FROM ME. THAT OUR SEX LIFE WAS PATHETIC, AND IT WAS, BUT SHE WAS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, ALL I DID WAS UNDERSTAND HER. EVENTUALLY SHE CAME BACK, THAT SEPERATION HELPED ME REALIZE MY MISTAKES AND DID EVERYTHING TO CHANGE. LAST MONTH, SHE WENT TO VISIT AGAIN, I LET HER GO, TRUSTED HER AGAIN. WE SPOKE A LOT ABOUT HOW SHE WAS FEELING BEFORE SHE LEFT, I WANTED NO SURPRISES, SHE SAID SHE WAS FINE, FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. WELL, SHE LEFT, CALLED A WEEK AFTER AND SAID SHE WASN'T COMING BACK, THAT SHE WANTED A DIVORCE. I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT I CAN'T FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE ANYMORE. I LOVE HER, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. I LOVE HER, BUT EVEN IF IT'S HARD TO ACCEPT, I KNOW SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME. I GUESS I'M STUCK WITH A 1000 QUESTIONS. WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DO SO WRONG? SHOULD I HAVE BEEN HARDER WITH HER? SHOULD I HAVE FORCED HER IN TO SEX? DID I DO WRONG BY UNDERSTANDING HER? WHY DOES SHE DUMP ME BY PHONE? WHY CAN'T SHE DO IT IN PERSON LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE? WHAT DID I DO SO WRONG? I UNDERSTAND I CAN'T FIGHT FOR A LOST CAUSE. I LOOK AT THE PHONE AND WANT TO CALL HER, I MISS HER, GOD I MISS HER. BUT I KNOW I MUST NOT AND I DON'T. I JUST THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MAKE A STAND, EVEN IF THAT MEANS SUFFERING, IT HURTS A LOT LESS THAN CALLING HER AND FEELING HER INDIFERANCE. DID I EVER KNOW MY WIFE? WHO IS SHE, WHO WAS HER? DID SHE EVER LOVE ME? WHY IS IT THAT I ACCEPTED ALL HER MISTAKES AND STILL LOVE HER AND SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME? DOES LOVE REALLY DIE? TRUE LOVE? I GUESS TIME CURES EVERYTHING, ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WILL NEVER KNOW TRULLY WHAT HAPPENED. I AM FORCED TO FORGET HER, I AM FORCED TO DUMP ALL THIS LOVE. HOW DO I DO THAT? HOW CAN SHE FORGET ALL I GAVE HER? ALL OUR STORY. A GOOD OPINION WOULD HELP. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. I MISS MY WIFE, AND I KNOW THIS IS GONNA KILL THE INOCENT PART OF ME. THE GUY I WAS IS DEAD, I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL EVER TRUST AGAIN, IF I WILL EVER LOVE AGAIN.

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Old LoveGems2
 
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Quote this post and reply to it Post#2 @ 08-21-04 , 10:27 AM


I would recommend that you go see a counselor. You have alot of feelings that you need to discuss with a neutral party.
I don't think you should discuss this on a website with people who are strangers to you.
Alot of people feel that going to a counselor is some kind of bad thing.
You just need that neutral party to discuss your feelings with. They deal with this stuff on a daily basis and they know what to ask/say to get through to you.
If you go to church, they often times will have counselors as well.

Remember the first cut is the deepest!
The first heartbreak is very tough, but you'll get through it.
I always say that you won't appreciate a filet until you've had a few hamburgers first!

Or

My pastor says that if you're road never had bumps in it, you would never appreciate the smooth part

Please find a good neutral party to discuss your feelings with.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#3 @ 08-21-04 , 06:54 PM


I agree with everything Lovegems2 said and want to add that everything happens for a reason whether you can believe that now or not. You may not be able to see it now, but sometime in the future you will find out that something better was waiting for you. That is how I try to look at life when it really sucks. Odds are you did NOTHING WRONG. It just wasn't meant to be. Keep you head up, better days will come especially when you belive they will. Go talk to someone near you. It will help to unload to a person better than a computer.

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#4 @ 08-25-04 , 01:10 AM


I agree with LoveGems2 & Bsur. Please seek counseling. You're going through a very difficult situation.

I will give you one piece of advice: Please use this experience to move on to better things. Don't use it to ruin your life. Whether you realize this or not; it's up to you how this experience affects your life.

Best wishes.


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Old Amethyste

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Quote this post and reply to it Post#5 @ 08-25-04 , 01:40 AM


What happened to you might be seen this way: Should I see my situation as a 1/2 empty glass of wine of 1/2 full. Seems to me that you did give a lot in your marriage, you gave trust, gave freedom, gave love and understanding. You did what a loving husband would in a relationship. The fact that she wasn't able to see herself as a lucky person is her problem.

When you love someone, let them free. You want the best for them and right now in your situation, would be to let her go. Do yourself a favor, go see counsellor and talk about co-dependency: You need to learn to live your life for yourself and be happy for yourself. Maybe your marriage not working out has nothing to do with you, maybe she was never ready to be "wife material" and maybe it is something else. Talking about sex openly on a public forum is never a good idea, just be careful as it can be seen as untactful or offensive.

Maybe the best thing to do is to let a little water run underneath the bridge. If you feel that you must talk to her, my best advice to you would be to see a couple therapist AND a sex therapist. Good luck to you...


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