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ECox 09-21-04 10:07 AM

Hi everyone. I got engaged a couple weeks ago (I'm the groom-to-be), and my mother is driving me literally crazy. Not with the usual micromanagement of all the details, which she's not doing. Here's the issue: My fiancee is Jewish (although a very "lazy" Jewish -- she doesn't practice, or go to Synagouge or anything). I'm not. My mom's heavily Christian. I'm not. I view religion the same as my fiance. We're both sorta disinterested with religion.
My mom has been pressuring us to have the wedding in a church, to have a minister officiate, and/or to have a religious reading at the ceremony. My fiancee and I don't want any of that.
Last night it came to a head. I told my mother in no uncertain terms did we want religion in the wedding. She wanted us to read a verse from the New Testament about love (it did not mention religion). I said no, because the New Testament is not in accord with the Jewish faith, and while it would not offend my fiancee, it may offend some of her family. My mother also sprung on me that she wanted to use my late grandfather's bible in the wedding. Same response.
My mother would rather I married a Christian woman in a church, because that type of person may bring me back to religion. This hurts, and my mother does not accept or respect my fiancee.
Help! How to proceed? How do I deal with my mom's craziness?

memphisluvr 09-21-04 10:27 AM

I think you have a good start on dealing with her properly. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs as you have been. It may be hard and you may get tired, but it'll be worth it when you have a ceremony both you and your fiancee are proud of.

Dont' forget-this is *your* life that you and your fiancee are starting together. Your choices, your dreams.

I understand wanting to be considerate of your mother, but have you considered how disrespectful she's being by trying to force her views on you and your fiancee?

An aside that's none of my business-I assume you were brought up deeply involved in a church; are you sure that you won't sometime want to go back to that? What I mean is, make every effort to not start your marriage on one foot and then try to switch to another. I'm personally dealing with a variation of that right now, and it's frustrating. I'm not actually *asking* you this question; I just want you to think about it and make sure you're properly representing yourself.

ECox 09-21-04 10:54 AM

Thanks for the encouragement.
And believe it or not, I was not brought up deeply involved in a church. I went to Sunday school, and to church most Sundays (not by choice to either of those) while I lived at home (through high school). My mom, over the past 5 years, has become deeply religious. Prolly partly because since then she's been a nurse at a convent (she's not a nun, she's a regular nurse who takes care of sick nuns).
My fiancee and I have talked about our disenchantment with organzed religion because it can be so divisive. Neither of us thinks we'll go back to organized religion. We're spiritual in our own way. But, and we've told my mother this, if we ever do become mainstream religious, we'll renew our vows in an appropriate ceremony.

Itbit 09-23-04 02:30 PM

Best wishes to you for happiness!! You are on the right track.

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