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-   -   just cold feet? (http://www.diamondring.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50098)

fiddler 03-15-04 06:15 AM

is anyone experiencing a groom with cold feet? mine announced last week that he is unsure about marrying me. he feels as though he may be "missing out" on something potentially better by marrying me. we have talked and talked about this. we are still very much in love and have become closer through this all. am i kidding myself that this is just cold feet? if he's thinking that there may be greener pastures out there, should i tell him to go find them?

littledumpling 03-15-04 10:43 AM

Have you considered premarital counselling? I am in one (our wedding is in June) and I am learning so much about my fiance.

fiddler 03-15-04 11:59 AM

i actually have my first appointment in 2 hours. how long have you been going? is he going as well?

assoverteacups 03-15-04 12:38 PM

it is natural to reflect and struggle with the making of such a committment. it is healthy to question oneself and ones partner about the ability to make it work. this is a sign of maturity.

i am suspicious about the motive in this case though...

the reluctance to make a committment in this case seems to be based on selfish motives, (getting more, better, etc)

real love is not selfish. period. waiting is an option i would consider. perhaps some soulsearching is in order for both of you.
i hope things work out well for you, there are few things in this life more rewarding than a good marriage, and evidently few things worse than a bad one.

be sure

julieeeee 05-20-04 01:28 PM

cold feet
I am in same boat. I just got the call last night that my finance loves me but is unsure about the wedding. I am an emotional basket case. The worst is he did it over the phone, and is away on vacation for the last week.

trific 05-20-04 07:18 PM

Ok, I have to respond to this thread and I'm sorry to all the really great men out there who might read this and take offense- you're not the type of men I'm referring to in saying what I'm about to say so please, please don't take this the wrong way... But since it's mostly us girls faced with this issue I'll say IMHO I think it stinks that your fiances are doing this. I realize everyone has "issues" and cold feet but this seems like more than just general nervousness re: long term commitment. In short, it sounds like both these men have serious issues with selfish behavior and immaturity. I mean waiting for something better- who's he kidding!?! YOU ARE THE SOMETHING BETTER. I think you should tell him that, tell him it hurts you and devalues you and your relationship. Offer him a chance at therapy if in your heart of hearts you really do love him and he seems to love you and wants you- not the next "best" thing. If you don't value yourself, he's NEVER GOING TO.

I'm sorry to be so passionate, but I've been watching my older sister date the same creep for 5 yrs, always promising to marry her and then pulling back at the last second with wimpy excuses like this. I'm sick of men like this who use emotional blackmail to keep from doing what's right and settling down when it's right.

IMHO I'd take a serious look at your relationship, and decide is he worth it. If he can prove he'll be there for you in good times and bad, thru sickness and health than he's the one. If he can't be there for you now, how's he gonna handle the rest of your life?

whatever you both decide, it's obviously your decision and I wish you all the best.

Sorry about the length, I really got passionate there- I come by my red hair honestly :-) But I care about you all

assoverteacups 05-20-04 08:37 PM

may i add....

please do not make the mistake of pressuring a man to marry or make a commitment that he does not of his free will decide to make. i have seen this happen to many dear friends and with disasterous results! i have seen women give men ultimatums to either "make a committment or they will move on", this tactic only works on men that are already "weak minded so to speak" in that they cannot be decisive to begin with, so cave into pressure at the end.

this tactic does not instill integrity to any man , in fact, it removes most all the responsibility in a relationship from the man and makes the woman who is doing the pressuring the scapegoat for blame when he bails out of the relationship, ( he has an automatic out because he can call foul due to pressure in the first place) i have a friend who spent almost 15 years of her life trying to MAKE a marriage that was never there in the first place, it is a sad waste of time and life. be wise, be patient, try to make important life decisions based on truth and reality, not emotion only.

as i stated before, real love is not selfish. PERIOD. none of us are perfect in love , but there are obvious signs to help us make healthy decisions about these matters.

i do feel grieved for so many that find marriage and commitment such a hardship. it's funny, but many of us never get trained in human relationships, i have been fortunate to have been given the blessing of wise parents to teach and set an example.

trific 05-20-04 08:51 PM

I agree with you assoverteacups- i don't think an ultimatum is good either and I want to be clear that's not what I'm suggesting or advocating just in case you thought it was. I simply want to make sure women realize it's OK to have self worth and self esteem and not stay in a bad relationship holding out for the ring. It doesn't make you a b word that rhymes with witch to want the best life has to offer. It's better, IMO, to be alone rather than be continually taken advantage of. (which i believe telling someone you don't want to marry and then becoming suddenly unavailable by going on vacation is unnaturally cruel for someone who loves you)

In my sis's situation, time has passed to the extent this man now keeps her "on the hook" due to her age and biological clock ticking. She wants babies so bad and is now 38 she feels she has no choice but to keep waiting out his insecurities.

That's all, I just wanted to make sure the emphasis is on healthy relationships, not just a relationship for not wanting to be alone.... I've been bleesed in my life and love (and spent plenty of time alone while waiting for it), and I wish everyone were so blessed... good luck ladies finding what works for your respective situations.

Amethyste 05-20-04 08:54 PM

You know.... I wanted to add this:

You love him and you should set him free.
I did that before b/c the guy in question really hurt me when he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me... so he went away and came back real quick. I denied him later b/c when he was "finding greener pastures" I realised that it wasn't fair to me to sit around and wait for him.

I hope you find your peace...

trific 05-20-04 08:56 PM

nice way of putting it Ame... i was very long winded but that was to the point.

assoverteacups 05-20-04 08:57 PM

i totally wrote that for the benfit of others who might not be aware, you have obviously got a handle on these things trific and you seem to be on target.

it is nice to hear someone say these things once in awhile, i guess i just get worked up myself about these things. my best hope to your sister. i hope the best for her.

**** i just wanted to add, i have been happily married for 20 years (in septemeber) i really do know the value of a strong healthy marriage. i hope for that blessing for others too, i really do.

trific 05-20-04 09:02 PM

thanks so much that's sweet of you. she's a darling girl, beautiful, smart, educated. but she can't see what he 's doing to her. we almost convinced her to leave a year ago, but at the last minute she backed out because they have a house together and she was afraid to have to move back home (my parents live in a small town where people talk and make fun)

I realized you can offer advice til your blue in the face but until she believes she's worth it, she won't do it. Can't make her leave him (even though I'd like to go beat him up) :-) That's real MATURE isn't it!!! ha,ha......

julieeeee 05-21-04 02:08 PM

Hello, it is me again. The girl that got the bomb dropped on her when her fiance was on vacation. The girl who gave up her appartment to move into her boyfriends house, who now has to go looking for a new place because she has no where to live. Is he going to snap out of this? I feel like I am dying, and now have to go look for another appartment. I haven't sleep or eaten in days. When will the pain stop??

assoverteacups 05-21-04 09:34 PM

be with family or those you know love you. get as much support from loved ones as possible.

what does your instinct tell you about this situation? sometimes we already know what we dont want to face.

i have no way of knowing what the situation is, or any details, so i won't pretend to know how to advise you what to do, but, since you are looking for a new apartment, it seems quite serious. time will tell, time ALWAYS tells...

if we can help you get through by being anonymous "internet shoulders to cry on", let us know. sometimes just writing your thoughts and feelings down can help you work through issues irrespective of the advise recieved.

...hoping for the best for you juleeee

debinsandiego 05-22-04 03:33 PM

When some one shows you who they really are, believe them.

(I think that's from Maya Angelou, but I'm not sure. Still like the message.)

debinsandiego 05-22-04 03:39 PM

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick .

OK ... that IS by Maya Angelou!! I like that one as well.

hammy 05-22-04 09:32 PM

Originally posted by julieeeee
Hello, it is me again. The girl that got the bomb dropped on her when her fiance was on vacation. The girl who gave up her appartment to move into her boyfriends house, who now has to go looking for a new place because she has no where to live. Is he going to snap out of this? I feel like I am dying, and now have to go look for another appartment. I haven't sleep or eaten in days. When will the pain stop??

Sorry to hear about your fiance. That was pretty coward of him to do that to you over the phone! :mad:

I can tell you that I know how you feel because I've been there. It's childish, but what I did to try to pull myself up after too much crying was to think of the BAD things about him, and you'll soon realize that you can go on without a person so selfish and uncaring!

In the meantime, is there any friend or family that you can stay with until you find your apartment?

It's going to be tough to get through the hurt and pain, but you will get there, in time. Really. For now, just focus on one thing at a moment (move out, get a new place, decorate your new place, etc.).

Nobody knows why your fiance did what he did, and perhaps only you can speculate why. You just have to try to look at the bright side: if it's not meant to be, you shouldn't force it and it was a good thing that you found out early before you got married.

I hope that helps.

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